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A redneck moment

I have been officially done with my day job as of Friday, so I guess I'm now a stay-at-home mom, overlooking the small technical problem that I haven't actually given birth yet. Still, it's only a matter of weeks now, if not days; and I look forward to wearing whatever is comfortable, being able to lie on my stomach again, watching Netflix while breastfeeding, ignoring the dust gathering on the windowsills, and answering the door for pizza delivery at 6 p.m. while still wearing a bathrobe. "A glorious lack of sophistication" might describe this state of being. That phrase is also, coincidentally, how Jeff Foxworthy has defined "redneck." Are all new parents rednecks? Well, no, of course not, but it's my attempt at a segue.

See, my dad has a daily calendar of Mr. Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." jokes, and periodically emails them to us. (Yes, Dad is a Ph.D., and in fact a nuclear engineer, but his sense of humor extends to all spheres of silliness. So that's where I got it.) So just because they're funny, I have compiled for you a big long list of the things. (No, I won't LJ-cut it. Hah!) Enjoy!

You might be a redneck if...

You've ever appeared on TV with your face digitally blurred.

All of your living room furniture is inflatable.

You've ever emptied the bed of your truck by driving backward real fast and slamming on the brakes.

The biggest sign on your place of business says Minnows.

You have a full set of salad bowls that all say "Cool Whip" on the side of them.

Someone is permanently staying on your couch.

Your wedding pictures have a propane tank in the background.

You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.

Anything in your home is running off a car battery.

You're using a hubcap as an ashtray.

Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.

You use a bungee cord as a seat belt.

Your high school class voted you "best mother".

There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You have a fence in your yard, but it's not up.

You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.

You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

The sweetest music you've ever heard was the sound of a pack of dogs running through a swamp at midnight.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of your baseball cap.

You dress to impress no one.

Your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.

The owner of a restaurant had to ask you to "please move away from the salad bar before you start eating."

The uninvited guests at your family reunion were the SWAT team.

Stealing road signs is a family outing.

Part of your parole states that you are not allowed to own sheep.

You've ever named a child after a good dog.

You have to mow around a refrigerator and a bed frame.

You've ever worn anything tie-dyed to a job interview.

Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.

You eat cotton candy more than three times a week.

More than one person at your class reunion was on a weekend pass.

You've ever framed an Auto Trader cover.

You've ever made a cup of coffee with a welding torch.

You and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

You're using your kid's swing set as an engine hoist.

You think "home security" means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

The city council ever discussed your front yard.

The only time you sky-dived, it wasn't on purpose.

You think people with grass in their yards are uppity.

You put 'horns' on your new bride in your wedding pictures.

You put ninth grade on hold while you started a family.

You were married in a laundromat.

You've taken three pregnancy tests before you ever took your driving test.

Your pastor had to deliver a sermon titled "Stealing the donkey from the church nativity scene is wrong."

Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

A screwdriver is required to open the trunk of your car.

You've ever lit a cigarette with an arc welder.

You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.



( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 16th, 2006 05:44 am (UTC)
oh man, those were fantastic!!! I'm moderately worried that some of those apply to me.....

Your pastor had to deliver a sermon titled "Stealing the donkey from the church nativity scene is wrong."

that one was fantastic!

oh, and YAY for baby!!!! That's so fantastic (i've been horribly lazy with my f-list, does it show???) you have to post pics once you've got them (after the birthing of course... although those belly shots were very nice too heehee)
Jan. 16th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I didn't mention it, but a couple of those have applied to me too. And the donkey one in particular made me laugh when I got the email. :)

And hey, I've been lazy with the f-list too, so don't worry. But I imagine I'll pick it up a bit now that I have less to do; heh. Will come thru with pics, naturally.
Jan. 16th, 2006 06:30 am (UTC)
You forgot: "You answered yes to more than half of these."

Jan. 16th, 2006 04:54 pm (UTC)
Yes...I coyly neglected to mention that some of those do apply to me. :)
Jan. 16th, 2006 08:04 am (UTC)
*twitches from un-cut post* :P

This is probably the same calendar that was bought for Dave at work at the Christmas party. LOL.

And congrats on the SAHMing! :D You're the best kind of feminist -- the kind that they hate to admit is actually a feminist ;D
Jan. 16th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
Hee-- thanks. :) It does seem that with parenting I'm getting into a whole new realm of feminist v. non-feminist, where the old boundaries don't necessarily match up. Granted, I've never fit neatly into any stereotype, so this will be nothing new. But I can see myself getting militant about, say, breastfeeding, which would possibly make me almost a radical hippie. (I mean, it's so organic and natural and stuff.) Then again, breastfeeding tends to save cash otherwise spent on formula, bottles, and health care, so it also means I'm a filthy capitalist. ;)
Jan. 16th, 2006 02:19 pm (UTC)
Hey! I resemble those remarks!

I haven't said much about your SAHM-ing. It's just because I'm extremely jealous. I'm really glad you're going to be able to do that, and I wish you the best with it. Enjoy it, because--as I'm sure you've been told five zillion times already--the time when they're so small goes by so fast.
Jan. 16th, 2006 05:01 pm (UTC)
(I resemble some of them too...) :)

Ah, I probably shouldn't say too much myself about the SAHM-ing, since I haven't actually tried it yet and might find myself going insane. But as you say, the time won't last forever, which is also a good thing to remember if it seems like it will never end and will be the death of me. :) Chances are I'll survive. But much as I hate to rip upon "our society," it's also true there's no win-win situation in mothering choices these days. We're made to feel guilty either staying at home (and not earning cash) or working (and not being at home). No fair.
Jan. 16th, 2006 03:19 pm (UTC)
You've ever worn anything tie-dyed to a job interview.

Ok, this one I just don't get. I know many a redneck, and I have never seen one of them wear tie-dye. True, we have the "Grateful Dead" rednecks here in the Valley who were former hippies from the commune in Bergton, but even they shy away from the tie-dye and favor things like Carhart workpants and an organic cotton shirt with grease stains on it. It seems to me that it would be more apt for Foxworthy to say You've ever worn anything camouflaged, blaze orange or with a Nascar logo on it to a job interview. One could always hope for something that was blaze orange camo with a Nascar logo on it for a trifecta of what is considered redneck-abulous.

Your pastor had to deliver a sermon titled "Stealing the donkey from the church nativity scene is wrong."
Oh, do I have a story about this one. Only it involves a real donkey that was taken from the nativity scene...
Jan. 16th, 2006 05:05 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the tie-dye gave me pause too. I still think of it as a hippie symbol, but I suppose it wouldn't be out of place anymore on the white trash mallrats. So I left it on the list thinking it might be an interesting commentary on what has happened to tie-dye's reputation, at least in some areas. Camo/Nascar/blaze orange would definitely fit the preconceptions better. Hee.

I especially laughed at the donkey one when I first read it, perhaps because I WAS picturing a real donkey. Feel free to elaborate on that story...

We did have a plastic cow on top of the Dari-Mart in my hometown that periodically got stolen and then retrieved, so perhaps that's an equivalent.
Jan. 17th, 2006 02:11 am (UTC)
I agree, this was a strange one, hut I understood it a bit more when I thought back to Boone, NC. I spent time between Boone and Asheville for work last summer, and those urban centers had a partial hippie - redneck crossover thing going on. Nice folks, though.
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:16 am (UTC)
Aye. Asheville is actually one of my favorite NC towns--very artsy and laid back. I have a number of friends who run workshops and studios there in the summer. Boone, itself, is a bit of a different story (there is just something unsettling about the influence of Appalachian State University on the community at large)--given that, I suppose tie-dye rednecks do exist though I seldom call those who are wearing tie-dye "rednecks". They have a differnet term... Rokys (after Roky Erickson), but that is just my own vernacular.

I forget what it is exactly that you do, but did you stop off at Grandfather Mountain or Blowing Rock? And, were you working in the Pisgah National Forest?

Oh, oh... Biltmore Estate is possibly my favorite place ever--made me want to study historical preservation.

Ok, I'll stop now because I sound like a dork. I used to spend my summers down in that area (also in Maggie Valley and over the mountains into Tennessee) so it is like a second home to me.
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:46 am (UTC)
I agree, having only been to the coastal plain of Virginia/NC, Asheville was a pleasant surprise. Very similar to some of the smaller Oregon/Washington university towns, actually. I enjoyed the project that took me out there - it was working with a small firm based in Asheville to do some bank stabilization and minor stream restoration on the areas flushed out by Hurricanes Frances and Ivan in 2004. Sort of an interesting balance between trying to stabilize a creek in its new location and convincing folks that the outside of a meander bend is not the best place to build your summer cabin (the locals all built their houses just above the floodplain - it was the developers trying to cram lots of cabins on smallish lots that were the sticking point).

I mainly had to stay in Mitchell and Yancey counties (about an hour NE of Asheville) -- the schedule was fairly compressed, so they didn't let me get out that much. But I had one weekend where I climbed Mt. Mitchell, drove a good portion of the Blue Ridge Highway, hung out in Asheville, and drove over to the Biltmore (too late to get in, though). Nothing prepares you for your first look at even the exterior of that place after being either in an airplane or in the woods for the previous week and a half.

It would be interesting to get back out there in a year or three to see how those projects did.


Jan. 16th, 2006 11:59 pm (UTC)
My personal favorite, which I do not see here:
If you have ever been on TV talking about what the tornado sounded like.

Hee. I love that man so much. The first time my family saw him on television, we were actually incapacitated by laughter (including my nuclear engineer dad, who is definitely with the silly sometimes).

Every time we don't hear from you for a while these days, I wonder if it's because you're in the hospital having LemonDrop. I know it's totally needy of me, but I'm so excited for you, I hope you'll be able to let us know soon after ye blessed event. Keeping you both in prayer 'til then!
Jan. 17th, 2006 12:44 am (UTC)
Re: My personal favorite, which I do not see here:
Hehehe...I'd forgotten that one! Also, this list doesn't have...

"You have climbed a water tower with a can of spray paint to defend your sister's honor."

My family has been pretty much slain by the Blue Collar Comedy Tour tapes as well. We seem to have parallel universe lives or something. :D

And I promise I will try to drop in with a message like "OK, seem to be in labor, heading for the hospital now" before the blessed event, so you guys will have fair warning. And I don't view it as needy at all--in fact it's great to know there are those out there who care!
Jan. 17th, 2006 12:56 am (UTC)
Re: My personal favorite, which I do not see here:
"You have climbed a water tower with a can of spray paint to defend your sister's honor."

I will not snort with laughter while there are clients in the lobby. Will not, I say!!
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )