Mol (mollyringle) wrote,
Mol
mollyringle

A redneck moment

I have been officially done with my day job as of Friday, so I guess I'm now a stay-at-home mom, overlooking the small technical problem that I haven't actually given birth yet. Still, it's only a matter of weeks now, if not days; and I look forward to wearing whatever is comfortable, being able to lie on my stomach again, watching Netflix while breastfeeding, ignoring the dust gathering on the windowsills, and answering the door for pizza delivery at 6 p.m. while still wearing a bathrobe. "A glorious lack of sophistication" might describe this state of being. That phrase is also, coincidentally, how Jeff Foxworthy has defined "redneck." Are all new parents rednecks? Well, no, of course not, but it's my attempt at a segue.

See, my dad has a daily calendar of Mr. Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." jokes, and periodically emails them to us. (Yes, Dad is a Ph.D., and in fact a nuclear engineer, but his sense of humor extends to all spheres of silliness. So that's where I got it.) So just because they're funny, I have compiled for you a big long list of the things. (No, I won't LJ-cut it. Hah!) Enjoy!

You might be a redneck if...

You've ever appeared on TV with your face digitally blurred.

All of your living room furniture is inflatable.

You've ever emptied the bed of your truck by driving backward real fast and slamming on the brakes.

The biggest sign on your place of business says Minnows.

You have a full set of salad bowls that all say "Cool Whip" on the side of them.

Someone is permanently staying on your couch.

Your wedding pictures have a propane tank in the background.

You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.

Anything in your home is running off a car battery.

You're using a hubcap as an ashtray.

Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.

You use a bungee cord as a seat belt.

Your high school class voted you "best mother".

There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You have a fence in your yard, but it's not up.

You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.

You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

The sweetest music you've ever heard was the sound of a pack of dogs running through a swamp at midnight.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of your baseball cap.

You dress to impress no one.

Your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.

The owner of a restaurant had to ask you to "please move away from the salad bar before you start eating."

The uninvited guests at your family reunion were the SWAT team.

Stealing road signs is a family outing.

Part of your parole states that you are not allowed to own sheep.

You've ever named a child after a good dog.

You have to mow around a refrigerator and a bed frame.

You've ever worn anything tie-dyed to a job interview.

Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.

You eat cotton candy more than three times a week.

More than one person at your class reunion was on a weekend pass.

You've ever framed an Auto Trader cover.

You've ever made a cup of coffee with a welding torch.

You and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

You're using your kid's swing set as an engine hoist.

You think "home security" means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

The city council ever discussed your front yard.

The only time you sky-dived, it wasn't on purpose.

You think people with grass in their yards are uppity.

You put 'horns' on your new bride in your wedding pictures.

You put ninth grade on hold while you started a family.

You were married in a laundromat.

You've taken three pregnancy tests before you ever took your driving test.

Your pastor had to deliver a sermon titled "Stealing the donkey from the church nativity scene is wrong."

Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

A screwdriver is required to open the trunk of your car.

You've ever lit a cigarette with an arc welder.

You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
Tags: funny, kid
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