Mol (mollyringle) wrote,

Fairyland Contractors

And now for something silly...

In my files I found a document I wrote about eight years ago, when I was working for the Accounting and Admin departments of a construction firm.

Evidently I got bored that day.


Files from the Accounting Department of Fairyland General Contractors


From: Queen of Hearts
To: Jack of Spades

1. Paint all roses in West Garden red: $1,025.34
2. Overtime charges for converting flamingoes into croquet mallets: $547.20

NOTE: Owner reserves right to decapitate workers if work not completed in satisfactory or timely manner.


From: Union of Miners, Dwarves Local 7

Please supply Material Safety Data Sheet on substance used to contaminate enclosed apple sample. Subject (Ms. S. White) is in our custody and under glass for further inspection should you wish to send a medical examiner. Please forward MSDS and any related information to the attention of Sneezy.


From: Witch in the woods
To: Dreamland Candies

Furnish candy as described in purchase order summary below:
48 l.f. graham cracker siding
8 50-oz. tubes frosting mortar, white
500 chocolate-wafer roof shingles
15 l.f. red licorice door frames
2 large green gumdrop doorknobs
5 hardened melted-sugar windows, 3' x 4'
1 stove, large enough to fit local boy and/or girl


To: Lost Boys, Neverland, attn: Mr. Peter Pan
From: Sire Contractors
Project: Eradicate Captain Hook, Lost Boys job #8721

Item 1: You have billed 24,928 miles of flying between London and Neverland for the period December 1999 through June 2000. Please explain.

Item 2: Your workers all appear to be under the age of 16. Please provide proof that you are legally able to hire minors. Also at this time please provide their full names, as we are not able to verify the employment status of "Curly," "Twins," "John," and so forth.

Item 3: Wooden daggers, fire-making sticks, and bows and arrows appear to be small tools, for which you have an allowance in your labor rates. Please credit these items from your substantiation.

Item 4: Coconut-shell helmets and bamboo shields are safety items, for which you also have an allowance in your labor rates. Please credit these items from the substantiation.

Item 5: Your labor substantiation suggests that Ms T. Bell was paid in clothing and housing made of leaves, rather than by an hourly rate. Please verify. Also please confirm with our project manager that "fairy dust" is a legitimate business expense.


From: Mice, Project Cinderella
To: Charming Estates Construction

1. Graveyard shift hours for driver of pumpkin/carriage $277.50
2. Consulting hours with fairy godmother $993.00
3. Alter design of glass slipper to shatterproof glass per attached OSHA letter $445.00
4. Overtime labor by birds and mice to construct ball gown $778.35


From: City of Sleepy Hollow
To: Horseman Enterprises

1. Time-loss expenditures between disappearance of schoolteacher and hiring of replacement $430.00
2. Clean-up of shattered pumpkin along Covered Bridge Roadway $65.00

To: Beauty Kingdom
From: Blue, Green, Yellow, and Pink Fairies

By order of Red Fairy's Magic Spell and subsequent finger injury to Princess resulting from contact with spindle, all work must cease in the kingdom while occupants sleep for next 100 years, or until amatory intervention by qualified Prince, whichever comes first.


(I'm really glad I can't talk in language like "allowance in your labor rates" and "audit exception letter" anymore.)
Tags: funny, writing

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