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Condensed parody version

Yes! I saw The Two Towers. And yes! I loved it.

But before I write a "real" review--assuming I ever do; I mean, don't you guys have enough of those on your friends lists right now?--I give you this, a parody version of the script. Condensed of course. And subject to being very wrong in terms of chronology, since I've only seen the movie once so far.

Spoilers on EVERYTHING, and lots of lame slash-implication jokes. Read on if you dareCollapse )


( 578 comments — Leave a comment )
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Dec. 23rd, 2002 10:21 pm (UTC)
OMG, that was so funny. you rule. that was almost as good as the movie!!! *worship worship*
Dec. 23rd, 2002 11:50 pm (UTC)
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?

SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.

[is on the floor, banging it on all fours] Sam and Frodo would look pretty good in eyeliner... someone would realize that they were punched in both eyes by Gollum.

EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...

LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.

Wow. A Rohhirim and the Prince of Mirkwood annoying each other. This is fun. [watches the two of them slaughter each other]

ARAGORN falls off cliff.

LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!

He's got nice hair and a pretty face... that can't even make itself useful by making teh RIGHT expression. Tsk, tsk.

ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.

ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.

ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.

[is still dying on the floor, laughing her @$$ off]

ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.

ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.

LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.

ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.

I thought these two would have a chance to make out in The Two Towers? [like I didn't read the book.] Lovers quarrel.

FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!

GOLLUM: Where?

SAM: Where?

FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?

This is evilly funny. Let me die, banging on the floor on all fours again.

FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.

FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?

SAM: His gardener.

FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?

SAM: Exactly.

FRODO: Righ—What??

I SAID give ARAGORN and LEGOLAS a chance to be "slashed", not these freaky OBVIOUS hobbit-type ones!

PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him.

MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks at PIPPIN)

PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?

TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes.

HEY!!! Those eyes are pretty! ;)

FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.

FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat.

So. This is the scene when Frodo is supposed to say "They're here, They've come," in the movie, ey? Niiice. Wish he really has a black eyeliner in his eyes so when he cries he'd have these big black smudgies on his face. Poor Elijah's eyes would turn black too. [ends up laughing and hacking and wheezing like a lunatic]

SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...

FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.

SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.

LIGHTNING EXPERIMENT?!! I would have asked if I wanted my hobbit fried or steamed before set and eaten on the table!!!

MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world.

PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that.

AWWWWWWWW. [throws self to the floor again and resumes her laugh-attack]

SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.

FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.

SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?


SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.

You know, the Oscras could have awarded these two with "The Most Impressive Facial Expression" award, but unfortunately, using these gifted Facial Expressions on hitting on each other disqualified them.
Dec. 24th, 2002 12:55 am (UTC)
This is the funniest parody ever written. I would quote the funny bits, but that would result in simply copying everything. Go you!
Dec. 24th, 2002 01:21 am (UTC)
wow i wouldnt usually post comments but that was the fucking stupidest shit i have ever read. Its so clever that you were able to take a movie and just throw gay jokes in instead of the actual dialogue. FUCKING BRILLIANT!, i must say, and oh lets make fun of people who didnt read the books oh yeah thats great cuz i guess according to your nerdly standards your not allowed to see the movie having not been a fucking loser and sat down to read the fucking book while you could actually be out doing things normal non losers do, good call!!, and make sure to keep the hits rolling so i can laugh at how stupid you are
Dec. 24th, 2002 05:34 pm (UTC)
Holy run-on sentences, Batman!
Well, that was an intelligent spew of criticism.

Look, buddy, everyone had a year between the two films to read those books. It's not our fault they slacked off; so yes, we can make fun of them.

We can also make fun of you for not having proper punctuation marks, spelling, or grammar, mainly because you make it so easy to do so.
Re: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! - (Anonymous) - Dec. 26th, 2002 11:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! - mollyringle - Dec. 27th, 2002 09:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! - mmepompadour - Jan. 3rd, 2003 03:09 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! - lougolas - Jan. 13th, 2003 11:55 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Re: wow - (Anonymous) - Dec. 29th, 2003 10:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 24th, 2002 02:34 am (UTC)
Dude, this is friggin' genious. *le link* =DDDDDD
Dec. 24th, 2002 04:33 am (UTC)
Just had to ad my "brilliant" to the (6 pages of) comments;)

Seriously, you had me laughing out loud many times.:)

And I had seen the movie a few days before so it was all very fresh in my mind.

"EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint."

Love that;) Big Eowyn fan here:)

linked to by a friend, as it seems many of us were;)
Dec. 24th, 2002 06:26 am (UTC)
Great stuff!

Dec. 24th, 2002 08:09 am (UTC)
ROFL this is hilarious. A friend posted a link to this in her LJ. Awesome.
Dec. 24th, 2002 10:51 am (UTC)
Wow! It's like I'm watching the movie all over again. Except I don't have to avoid drinking a soda.
Dec. 24th, 2002 05:21 pm (UTC)
Here are a couple more:

ARAGORN: Wargs!!! We're under attack!

THEODEN: I didn't expect that.



Aragorn falls off cliff.

LEGOLAS: I didn't expect that...


With that, I must reiterate that I did love the movie...
Dec. 24th, 2002 05:23 pm (UTC)
Came across this through many LOTR related pages that I was reading in LJ, can't remember exactly how, but I'm glad I found it, one of the funniest things I've read in a very long time. I especially loved the part about the elves coming to Helm's Deep. :-)
Dec. 24th, 2002 07:32 pm (UTC)
haha. yes. i love this.
LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.

ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

this ranks up there with the VSDs, this is so funny.
Dec. 24th, 2002 08:13 pm (UTC)
I just want you to know that this is some FUNNY shit you have here :) Good job writing it, and I like the inserts from the audience.

My name is Scott, and that's my livejournal. Feel free to contact me :)
Dec. 25th, 2002 03:44 pm (UTC)
Why, thank you, Scott. :) Happy holidays!
Dec. 25th, 2002 01:04 am (UTC)
Another one who found this via the link in cassieclaire's LJ, and just adding myself to the throng giggling insanely at the slashy implications, Goth jokes, and reactions of people who actually read the books...
Dec. 25th, 2002 02:07 am (UTC)
Fanfic as critical review... I love it!
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( 578 comments — Leave a comment )

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