February 4th, 2008

unexplained pirates - songstressicons

Yarr! What the hell be goin' on?

Saw the third Pirates of the Caribbean film at last. Let's see if I got this straight. (THAR BE SPOILERS AHEAD, SHOULD YE CARE.)

1. Will, Jack, Elizabeth, Davy Jones, Barbossa, Cutler Beckett, and the Navy guys are all double-crossing each other to the extent that only 3% of the audience could remember what everyone's true motives actually are.

2. Despite tantalizing us with sizzling Jack/Elizabeth tension in the second film, and despite Will and Elizabeth only sulking around each other for most of this film, Elizabeth suddenly marries Will at the last minute. Then when she has ten years to loll around without him, she doesn't go find Jack. What gives?

3. Oh, I see. She was busy raising a kid. Also, she doesn't age in ten years, despite the hard life of raising her son alone, and possibly some light secretarial work to keep them fed.

4. Tia Dalma is Calypso, and freeing her would unleash the fury of the seas, which sounds cool, so they do that. But all she does is create a maelstrom in the water, which doesn't actually do anything except spin two boats around for a while. It doesn't even kill Davy Jones--that, apparently, was Jack & Will's job.

5. After seeing two pirate ships destroy the trading company ship, the fleet of several hundred turns tail and runs away. Yeah. Right.

6. Keith Richards has a boat. Not that he and the other international convention of pirates actually help, or anything.

7. Jack has multiple clones running around. They're probably inside his head, but then why are they still chatting with one another after he leaves the room? Maybe the Disney writers just need a primer on Point Of View issues.

8. Getting a new captain means the Dutchman's crew no longer has to wear barnacles and starfish upon their faces, for some reason.

9. Argh. They've totally set it up for a FOURTH film. You've got some seriously awesome writing to do for that one, team, if you want to win this audience back.

10. This isn't really a plot summary point, just an observation: Orlando Bloom left me lukewarm for the first 2.4 hours of the film, but looked totally hot in his Dread Pirate Roberts get-up at the end. Plus, the mythological touch of being the underworld's ferryman and getting only one shore leave day every ten years was cool and poignant. Too bad it was buried in all those other confusing plotlines.

But those beaches sure were pretty...