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Bulwer-Lytton inspiration strikes again

I've just sent a reprehensible sentence to the long-suffering keepers of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. I'll inflict it on you here as well:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

Romantic, yeah?

I originally thought of the gerbil simile while nursing the baby. Though you could write a humorous sentence comparing breastfeeding to pet-rodent water-bottle-feeding, the comparison is slightly too apt to cross the line into Bulwer-Lytton territory. After all, they're both descriptions of drinking something, with a small, hungry mammal as agent. But applying the simile to romance, where everything is supposed to be sensual and tantalizing, catapulted it into badness. And if a sentence of mine wins a place in the final round of that fiction contest, it will be my proudest moment in publishing yet.

I admit it would be kind of fun to write an entire romance novel (or at least novella) in that fashion, actually. Wodehouse would approve.



( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Mar. 28th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
Hey, you can't rush this kind of genius. I need till at least Saturday.
Mar. 27th, 2010 08:50 pm (UTC)
My kind of Romance!
Ok, girl--get to work! I'd read that in a heart-beat. Keep going with the lapping/sucking references and you've got yourself a best seller!

Jeni ;)
Mar. 28th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
Re: My kind of Romance!
Thanks Jeni! My kind of romance, too. No fun without humor, right? If I do right, I'll be sure to post it for your consumption on TNBW. ;)
Mar. 27th, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC)
*snort* Well, it's certainly Bulwer-ready!
Mar. 28th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I think...
Mar. 28th, 2010 01:08 am (UTC)
And if a sentence of mine wins a place in the final round of that fiction contest, it will be my proudest moment in publishing yet.

That's what I like about you: you've got your priorities straight!
Mar. 28th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC)
Exactly. Humor is the number one priority in my life, so this is obviously the best fiction contest running!
Mar. 30th, 2010 12:06 am (UTC)
If that doesn't win, I shall send a stern reprimand to the organisers.
In the spirit of the thing, my reprimand will be 500 words long and have eighty four commas.

And thank you for making me laugh like a loon. I needed that.
Apr. 1st, 2010 05:06 pm (UTC)
Hah! Thanks! Now that's the spirit.
Jun. 29th, 2010 06:03 pm (UTC)
... on a great bit of badness.
Jun. 30th, 2010 10:52 pm (UTC)
Re: Congratulations!
Thank you! An honor...I think...
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )