Read it all: http://m15m.livejournal.com/22931.html
Excerpt of hilarity:
EDWARD: So… big white bed. Four-poster. Alice said to spring for the filmy white drapery so it can flutter in the sultry tropical breeze. She says there's always a sultry tropical breeze. This kind of place, it comes standard. I feel cold. Do you feel cold? Maybe we should go for a swim first. In the warm, tropical water. Because it's warm. And I'm cold. I'm babbling. Are we going to have the sex any time soon?
BELLA: *looks down, shuffles feet, bites lip*
EDWARD: OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN HUMPING MY LEG FOR THREE WHOLE MOVIES NOW WHAT IS YOUR DEAL