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Bad similes, analogies, and metaphors

From a clipping of the Oregonian, sent to me by my parents. Original authors uncredited. Possibly that's for the best. Still, I think these are hilarious and I tip my hat to them...assuming they meant to be funny, that is...

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His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
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Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
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Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
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He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
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Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
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He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
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The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
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Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
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He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
---


Hee. OK, now I go back to the amazingly huge stack of essays and tests I'm supposed to grade. Nice talking to you.

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Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
starstar89
Jan. 29th, 2003 09:05 pm (UTC)
*raises eyebrow*
"second tall man".. amusing, lol.
(Anonymous)
Jan. 29th, 2003 09:13 pm (UTC)
Your fingers staple pine nuts into everything you touch.
those are great.. i came across this site, which is fun and silly and just lovely at the same time. in the same vein, i suppose.

how can I help but use your eyes as a means for self-asphyxiation?

http://www.madsci.org/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/~lynn/jardin/SCG

:D

-nairbie
deliciouspear
Jan. 29th, 2003 10:37 pm (UTC)
That's been ooodling about the internet for sometime. I think we were actually handed it in freshman english as well.

The one I remember from the list, that's not in your entry read:

"The swan floated across the pond, just like a bowling ball wouldn't."
looseemoo
Jan. 29th, 2003 10:55 pm (UTC)
Yeah. I'm pretty sure they meant to be funny. I got a full email of those if you'd like me to send it to you (?) They're bloody brilliant! Many be the tips of the hat we wear to them!
mollyringle
Jan. 30th, 2003 02:25 pm (UTC)
Sure, go ahead and send them. I'm a glutton for punishment.

;)
looseemoo
Jan. 30th, 2003 11:09 pm (UTC)
Re:
mwahaha! I will at that! =P
joemorf
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:09 am (UTC)
It reminds me a bit of Douglas Adams - "The spaceships hung in the sky the same way bricks don't."

Except, of course, that Mr. Adams knew what he was doing...

~j
eibhinn
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:19 am (UTC)
Damn! I was going to bring up "much like bricks don't", since I was thinking the same thing when reading that list! Heh.
joemorf
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:39 am (UTC)
Re:
Heh Heh.

I'm sure there are other examples, but that one does tend to stick with you.

~j
pegkerr
Jan. 30th, 2003 04:30 am (UTC)
I think some of these might be some of the finalists from the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest? Here are the Grand Prize Winners.
tanaise
Jan. 30th, 2003 07:39 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure they're from either the Style Invitational or a really funny book I collect copies of for friends called "Maybe He's Dead" which is a collection of similar newspaper competitions.

My favorite from this week (made up congressional bills): Bishop-Rogers-King act to introduce more outre ways to mate in chess.
mollyringle
Jan. 30th, 2003 09:19 am (UTC)
Hahah - love the chess one.

Yeah, the clipping said most of them are from the Washington Post competition, though they did sound Bulwer-Lytton-ish to me too.
valarltd
Jan. 30th, 2003 06:24 am (UTC)
I love "Shots rang out as shots are wont to do."

That sounds almost Jossian. I can hear 1st or 2nd season Willow and Xander delivering that bit. Willow reads "Shots rang out!" Xander adds "As shots are wont to do."

"Second Tall Man" indeed.


northy
Jan. 30th, 2003 07:29 am (UTC)
His pants billowed in the wind, much like a large fluffy bunny who could fly... after being shot from a cannon... bleeding... his pants were messy.

(Anonymous)
Jan. 30th, 2003 11:51 am (UTC)
this anonymous user thing is the pits.
A suburban distance lying across your chest, a purpled frock befitting the asphyxiated, cans of lima beans upon your knees, you are truly a goddess of disturbed tranquility

-nairb
northy
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:05 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
Pelting you with Raddishes I beseech thee!

Swarms of chocolate poodles lavish your swollen gums.

My heart skips beats like vomiting polar bears dancing through mosquito netting.

If panties could talk yours would have a nasty throat infection due to poor circulation and dust mites...

My appologies to Molly for running amok on her thread.
mollyringle
Jan. 30th, 2003 03:00 pm (UTC)
You three are a pack o' nutballs. And it is wunderbar to see you all running amok again in my immediate internet vicinity. Hee!
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:56 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
get on the ball, foo. there's a nairb lj created. is that yours? otherwise, if it were me, i'd go with jewofthenile or [Bad username: polarbear-nutsack-express]. unless those are taken, of course.
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:57 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
cockasses!

that was supposed to be [Bad username: polarbearnutsackgenerator]. f those god damned lj tags.
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:58 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
i give up.

i guess polar bear nutsack generators aren't appropriate terms for an LJ.

run riot!

def leppard!

rawk!

\m/
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:59 pm (UTC)
hey spanky.

small f'ing world. :)

*hug*
mollyringle
Jan. 30th, 2003 03:04 pm (UTC)
Hey Jorsh dude! How the heck are you? I think you are in fact the last person from online that I've met in real life...and that was ages ago. How sad.

Glad to start regrouping the old crew. Now someone has to get nairbie a code...(I'm one of those freeloader users and don't have any more).
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 04:09 pm (UTC)
Re:
i've got codes. tell him to email me and i'll get him one.

:D
(Anonymous)
Jan. 30th, 2003 09:08 pm (UTC)
i dont think i have a livejournal.. i mean.. i might. i could attempt throwing in a bunch of possible usernames i've used in the past. or just you send me a code.. heh. i do have a deadjournal. and a website. but no livejournal. i don't think. i'll scratch my head for a bit about it.

oh, and my website is noyen.org or noyen.com or stereodee.com (for the next month or so). there's really not much there. but yeah. woo! i love you guys.

and i express the same sentiments willeh did, sorry for being a hijacker. :D

-nairb.
wildendeavour
Jan. 30th, 2003 07:49 pm (UTC)
My old math teacher handed out a paper with the same type of errors but from some type of exams. It was really funny. I have heard these ones before. *laughs* I think that you were right to say that the authors should not be credited.
lacuna1024
Jan. 31st, 2003 08:49 am (UTC)
Haha
Those are great! I even put some of those on my AIM info. I've made some strange comparisons in my time. I once compared life to a giant and described teenagers who'd only seen the giant's toes or fingernails through a peephole & claim to know the whole creature. Weird, huh? Btw, my friend sent my these hilarious LOTR diaries concerning FOTR. You've probably read them already, but if you haven't...they're posted on my journal. Later
~XH
mollyringle
Feb. 1st, 2003 03:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Haha
Oooh, yes, the secret diaries! Love those. Always worth a re-read. :)
(Anonymous)
Feb. 5th, 2003 12:05 pm (UTC)
*still giggling from "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."*

my teacher had a list of bad similies/metaphors what his students had used (seriously) in essays. can only remember "he was cold, like a dead, buried polar bear".
mollyringle
Feb. 7th, 2003 11:52 am (UTC)
*collapses in snickering heap*
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )