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Bad similes, analogies, and metaphors

From a clipping of the Oregonian, sent to me by my parents. Original authors uncredited. Possibly that's for the best. Still, I think these are hilarious and I tip my hat to them...assuming they meant to be funny, that is...

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His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
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Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
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Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
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He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
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Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
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He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
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The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
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Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
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He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
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Hee. OK, now I go back to the amazingly huge stack of essays and tests I'm supposed to grade. Nice talking to you.

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Comments

looseemoo
Jan. 29th, 2003 10:55 pm (UTC)
Yeah. I'm pretty sure they meant to be funny. I got a full email of those if you'd like me to send it to you (?) They're bloody brilliant! Many be the tips of the hat we wear to them!
mollyringle
Jan. 30th, 2003 02:25 pm (UTC)
Sure, go ahead and send them. I'm a glutton for punishment.

;)
looseemoo
Jan. 30th, 2003 11:09 pm (UTC)
Re:
mwahaha! I will at that! =P