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Bad similes, analogies, and metaphors

From a clipping of the Oregonian, sent to me by my parents. Original authors uncredited. Possibly that's for the best. Still, I think these are hilarious and I tip my hat to them...assuming they meant to be funny, that is...

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His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
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Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
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Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
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He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
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Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
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He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
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The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
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Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
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He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
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Hee. OK, now I go back to the amazingly huge stack of essays and tests I'm supposed to grade. Nice talking to you.

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Comments

(Anonymous)
Jan. 30th, 2003 11:51 am (UTC)
this anonymous user thing is the pits.
A suburban distance lying across your chest, a purpled frock befitting the asphyxiated, cans of lima beans upon your knees, you are truly a goddess of disturbed tranquility

-nairb
northy
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:05 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
Pelting you with Raddishes I beseech thee!

Swarms of chocolate poodles lavish your swollen gums.

My heart skips beats like vomiting polar bears dancing through mosquito netting.

If panties could talk yours would have a nasty throat infection due to poor circulation and dust mites...

My appologies to Molly for running amok on her thread.
mollyringle
Jan. 30th, 2003 03:00 pm (UTC)
You three are a pack o' nutballs. And it is wunderbar to see you all running amok again in my immediate internet vicinity. Hee!
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:56 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
get on the ball, foo. there's a nairb lj created. is that yours? otherwise, if it were me, i'd go with jewofthenile or [Bad username: polarbear-nutsack-express]. unless those are taken, of course.
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:57 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
cockasses!

that was supposed to be [Bad username: polarbearnutsackgenerator]. f those god damned lj tags.
orbasm
Jan. 30th, 2003 12:58 pm (UTC)
Re: this anonymous user thing is the pits.
i give up.

i guess polar bear nutsack generators aren't appropriate terms for an LJ.

run riot!

def leppard!

rawk!

\m/