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Bad similes, analogies, and metaphors

From a clipping of the Oregonian, sent to me by my parents. Original authors uncredited. Possibly that's for the best. Still, I think these are hilarious and I tip my hat to them...assuming they meant to be funny, that is...

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His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
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Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
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Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
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He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
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Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
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He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
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The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
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Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
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He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
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Hee. OK, now I go back to the amazingly huge stack of essays and tests I'm supposed to grade. Nice talking to you.

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Comments

(Anonymous)
Jan. 30th, 2003 09:08 pm (UTC)
i dont think i have a livejournal.. i mean.. i might. i could attempt throwing in a bunch of possible usernames i've used in the past. or just you send me a code.. heh. i do have a deadjournal. and a website. but no livejournal. i don't think. i'll scratch my head for a bit about it.

oh, and my website is noyen.org or noyen.com or stereodee.com (for the next month or so). there's really not much there. but yeah. woo! i love you guys.

and i express the same sentiments willeh did, sorry for being a hijacker. :D

-nairb.