People who should read this parody:
- Those who have read the book.
- Those who don't plan to read the book but want to know in ten minutes what happens in it.
- "Those who have seen the film without having read the book" could be included in that last category.
People who should NOT read this parody:
- Those who have neither read the book nor seen the movie, but do plan to someday, and are therefore avoiding SPOILERS.
THE HUNGER GAMES (book version), condensed: Putting the "laughter" back in "slaughter"!
By Molly Ringle, with apologies and applause for Suzanne Collins, who did not give me permission to write this and will probably never notice it anyway.
April 13, 2012
The woods, District 12, Dystopian Republic of Panem. (No, Panem is not an airline. You're thinking of PanAm.)
KATNISS, age sixteen, shoots the family breakfast with a bow and arrow, assisted by bromantic bud GALE, who, despite his girly name, is a guy.
KATNISS: Ooh! Squirrel!
GALE: Yum. Do you want to run away with me?
KATNISS: Are you high?
GALE: Just throwing it out there.
KATNISS: Um. No. Let's go home and get prettied up for the reaping.
That afternoon, in District 12's coal-dust-covered but marginally attractive town square...
MAYOR OF DISTRICT 12: Welcome to the annual reaping, where the Capitol of Panem pulls the names of two kids at random from each district to come fight in the Hunger Games. It's a battle to the death on live national TV, only one victor allowed, and it's just for entertainment and because they like to oppress us. Yay!
READERS: Holy crap, this place is harsh.
CAPITOL: Dude, we're a dystopia. This isn't the "Brightly Lit, Well Fed, and Scientifically Stimulating Futuristic Land of Panem." Nuh-uh. Read the sign.
READERS: Oh, well, I suppose the Doctor will probably show up soon and save the kids. He usually does.
SUZANNE COLLINS: Dream on.
EFFIE TRINKET: Hi diddly do, lovelies! Time to draw names. For the ladies we have...Primrose Everdeen!
Who, we should mention, is KATNISS' younger and much likelier-to-die sister.
KATNISS bowls forward to the stage.
KATNISS: I volunteer as tribute!
And READERS start getting teary. At just the start of chapter two. Well played, Ms. Collins, well played.
EFFIE: How sporting! Taking the place of your little sister. Altruistic suicide gets excellent ratings.
HAYMITCH, the one guy from District 12 who has ever managed to survive the Hunger Games, staggers drunkenly over and slobbers on KATNISS' cheek.
HAYMITCH: Wooo! You rock! Whoops, fell over.
KATNISS: Ladies and gentlemen, my mentor. Wow. I'm toast.
EFFIE: Now the boy tribute from District 12...Peeta Mellark!
KATNISS: (to self) Oh hell, not HIM. He saved my family from starving once by tossing me burned loaves of bread when we were kids, and I've never spoken to him or thanked him, and I HATE that about him. Guess I'll just have to kill him in the Games.
PEACEKEEPERS cart KATNISS away right that minute to a holding area. She's allowed brutally brief goodbyes with PRIMROSE, THEIR MOM, GALE, and, oddly, PEETA'S DAD, who gives her cookies. READERS are teary again. The MAYOR'S TEENAGE DAUGHTER stalks in, gives KATNISS a gold pin shaped like a mockingjay (it's a futuristic bird, okay?) and insists she wear it, then kisses her and leaves.
EFFIE: Time to get on the train, tributes! Wave bye-bye for the cameras.
PEETA and KATNISS get put on a train, which, giving us a break from the dystopia thing for a moment, is *not* a cattle-car like the ones that took people to concentration camps, as you might expect. It's all luxury and stuff. With a private dining car.
KATNISS: Whoa. Food.
PEETA: So much food.
KATNISS: Food I didn't have to shoot or dig up.
PEETA: EAT ALL THE FOOD.
EFFIE: Oh, you sillies, always complaining about being hungry. Back in the Capitol, we'd kill to be as skinny as you!
HAYMITCH staggers into the dining car, says hi, throws up, and falls on the floor again.
KATNISS: Have I mentioned we're toast?
PEETA: It's true. (*licking crumbs off his fingers*) Mmm. Toast.
The next morning, back in the dining car, the doomed tributes sit down for breakfast and once more gorge themselves.
KATNISS: I know I'm sentenced to die, but...mmm...hot chocolate.
PEETA: Oh my God, I know, right?
HAYMITCH joins them, flask in hand.
KATNISS: So, any advice for us, o unsteady mentor?
HAYMITCH: Yeah. Don't die. Hahaha! I crack me up.
PEETA smacks down HAYMITCH's drink.
HAYMITCH punches PEETA.
KATNISS whips out a knife and stabs the table between HAYMITCH's fingers.
HAYMITCH: Wow! Hey, I'm starting to like you guys. Okay, honest advice: first off, let the stylists do whatever they want to you, even if it involves wax in body parts you never wanted to expose to the sun. There. That's frightening enough for now.
STYLIST PREP TEAM: *wax*
STYLIST PREP TEAM: *tweeze*
STYLIST PREP TEAM: *oil*
CINNA: Hello, I'm your stylist. I'm quite nice despite what I'm about to say. Let me look at you naked. Hmm. Yes. I'm going to have you be all "Dread Pirate Roberts, no survivors, flaming holocaust cloak" as your opening ceremonies theme.
KATNISS: "The girl on fire"? Are you *trying* to give them ideas how to kill me?
CINNA: They're painless chemical flames; don't worry. Turns out the dystopia does have a few cool scientific advances.
Opening ceremonies: PEETA and KATNISS, in matching capes and headdresses, get lit up with fake fire by CINNA.
CINNA: Whew. It worked.
KATNISS: You weren't sure??
CINNA: Uh...ahem. Go act lovable!
PEETA: Hey girl, hold my hand to soften up the crowd and give me strength in the ordeal to come?
KATNISS: Okay, whatever.
It works. The crowd loves that flamin' couple!
PEETA: You're so cute in flames, girl.
KATNISS: You're so cute when you're pretending you like me.
KATNISS kisses his cheek.
SHIPPERS: Wooo! I'm totally already on Team Peeniss! Whoa. I mean...Team KatPee! No. Um...guys? What do we call the team?
At dinner, KATNISS looks up at a redheaded serving girl.
KATNISS: OMG, I know you! Hi!
EFFIE: NO YOU DON'T, SHUT UP.
HAYMITCH: She's an Avox. Her tongue was cut out for treason, so stop talking to her. Also, hey Avox, bring me another drink!
PEETA: Come to the roof with me, lovergirl.
On the roof...
KATNISS: I saw that girl get taken by a hovercraft in the woods years ago.
PEETA: Creepy. Wonder if that's going to be relevant later.
SUZANNE COLLINS: Not really. Keep going to book two or three.
HAYMITCH: Training time, guys. I'm mostly sober this morning, so pay attention. What can you do that's lethal?
PEETA: Not much.
KATNISS: Yeah, not a lot.
PEETA: Come on, you can kill stuff with arrows and knives.
KATNISS: Well, you're big and strong and can chuck heavy things.
PEETA: Like bags of flour! I'm the baker's kid! The arena won't be full of bags of flour!!
KATNISS: IT MIGHT BE, YOU DON'T KNOW.
PEETA: Dude, even MY MOM thinks you're going to kick my ass.
PEETA: Hey girl, you have no idea the effect you can have.
KATNISS: I'm going to be convinced that's an insult and sit here in a huff.
HAYMITCH: (snaps fingers) Got it. I know what we do. You two, hang out together all the time and be brimming with romantic chemistry. Go, team Peeniss! Heh heh. That really is funny.
Later, it's KATNISS' turn to show off her skills privately for the GAMEMAKERS.
GAMEMAKERS: Oooh, lunch! Yeah, keep doing weapon stuff, Kafnard or whatever your name is.
She fires an arrow into said lunch, freaking the GAMEMAKERS out most royally.
KATNISS: Hitting apples with arrows never goes out of style, birtches*.
*It's a futuristic insult. Okay, I made that up.
HAYMITCH: You shot an arrow at them? OMG LOL.
KATNISS: Am I going to die?
HAYMITCH: No, no. Well, yes. I mean, in the Games. The way you were already going to.
KATNISS: Look, the scores are getting posted...whoa. I got the highest one. An eleven!
PEETA: FYI, my passion for you also goes up to eleven.
NIGEL TUFNEL: Like my amps.
HAYMITCH: Also, Peeta's asked to be coached separately from you, and apparently that's worth a chapter break.
KATNISS: How could you, Peeta? Oh well, like it matters. I'll kill you sooner, is all.
HAYMITCH: So Katniss, in your interview today, try to be more charming than a dead slug, which is what you usually remind me of.
HAYMITCH: Smile for the audience. They're your friends.
KATNISS: Those people looking forward to watching me die?
HAYMITCH: Yep. Your best buds. Go get into your dress!
CINNA puts KATNISS in a dress covered with gemstones, which we are assured looks nothing like a Vegas showgirl outfit and everything like a living flame. She gasps in delight.
CINNA: There. You are radiant as the freaking noonday sun.
KATNISS: I was totally just thinking that same thing!
At the huge nationally televised interview, the tributes get called up to chat with CAESAR FLICKERMAN, who is DICK CLARK kept alive all these centuries.
CAESAR: So, Katniss, say something charming.
KATNISS: Look at my dress! It's twirly and even sparklier than Edward Cullen! Whee! Spin-spin-spin!
CAESAR: That's darling! Thank you. Peeta, your turn. Are you in love, by any chance?
PEETA: Well...as it happens, yes. In a doomed, star-crossed, tragic way. I...can't speak of it.
CAESAR: Yes you can. Spill it.
PEETA: I won't name names...but she's from my district and everyone swoons for her and she's sparkling on stage not far from here.
KATNISS: (*deer in headlights*)
KATNISS: (to self) I am going to hit him so hard the second we're off camera.
KATNISS hits PEETA so hard the second they get off camera. He tumbles over, and hope you didn't like that flowerpot too much, because it's now in shards embedded in his hands.
PEETA: Hey girl, sorry, but my love for you sometimes overflows and needs to be shared with the world.
KATNISS: Shut up. I know this is all some stupid scheme.
HAYMITCH: Yes, dork, a scheme to make you look attractive.
KATNISS: Now I sound like a freaking Mary Sue! All the boys back home love me, and I don't even realize it, and oh, why don't you say my eyes are a really unusual violet color while you're at it?
HAYMITCH: Sponsors LOVE Mary Sues. You want half a chance at living, right?
KATNISS: ...Fine. (grudgingly, to PEETA) Sorry.
PEETA: I'm bleeding heavily, but I forgive you.
Later, the star-crossed lovers, one slightly bandaged, meet again by chance on the roof.
PEETA: I'm pondering some way to show in the Games that I'm not just a pawn in the Capitol's game of life.
KATNISS: Ugh. You emo boys are all the same.
PEETA: I'm not emo! I said no when my stylist offered me guyliner!
KATNISS: Keep in mind we're mortal enemies. See you in the Games. Night night.
And after some additional overnight angsting and some lip-gnawing during the morning preparation, KATNISS and the other tributes get delivered to the arena.
CINNA: Good luck, girl on fire.
KATNISS: I know you mean well, but that title gives me the creeps in this context.
CINNA: Good luck, girl I'd totally place my money on?
KATNISS: Better. Thanks, dude.
And they're in! Welcome to the Hunger Games! Go team Peen--never mind.
Twenty-four TRIBUTES stand ready near a giant Cornucopia filled with Survivor Stuff. Three...two...one...go!
*action scenes don't have a lot of dialogue for me to parody*
KATNISS doesn't kill anyone today but successfully dodges getting killed, and ends up in a tree that night with a pack and a knife and no water, watching the sky, where they project updates. If this were really meant to be hellish, they'd do it as a two-hour PowerPoint presentation.
KATNISS: Huh. Eleven dead already. None of them are Peeta. Good. I mean, darn.
VOICES BELOW THE TREE: Hey, did we kill that chick or what?
PEETA: I think so, but I'll go make sure. I'll frost her to death if I have to.
KATNISS: (to self) He went and allied with other people? Peeta, how could you? Drat, I keep forgetting that I DON'T CARE, I DON'T I DON'T I DON'T.
KATNISS: I really ought to find some water. Through the woods. Trudge, trudge. Lookin' for water.
Day after that:
KATNISS: Need...water. ...Dying... just gonna lie down here in the mud a while...oh hey, mud! Water!!
A few minutes after finally getting enough water:
KATNISS: Oh look. Here comes a wall of fire, consuming the forest.
GAMEMAKERS: Haha, look, we're also making it throw fireballs at you! Isn't that funny, "girl on fire"?
The fire dies away, and KATNISS and her burned leg climb another tree.
OTHER TRIBUTES show up below and wave at her from the ground. PEETA's with them, but he's all "I'm going to polish this knife and not make eye contact." By the way, the OTHER TRIBUTES do start having names at this point because they survived the first couple rounds, and thus COLLINS gives them more than the basic Star Trek Nameless Red Shirt treatment, which was all the first victims got. And that was fine, because I didn't want to keep track of twenty-four tributes. Did you?
KATNISS: Come up and get me, kids. And bring that nice bow and arrow so I can have it. Oh darn, are the branches breaking under your fat butts when you try to climb? Hah. Guess you have to stay down there, then.
PEETA: Let's just camp under her tree and woo her down with romantic serenades later.
OTHER TRIBUTES: What?
PEETA: Nothing. Go to sleep.
KATNISS: (to self) Whoa. There's another kid in the next tree over.
RUE, the other kid, a teensy slip of a girl, points quietly to something over KATNISS' head.
KATNISS: Oh my. A nest of tracker jackers. For those of you who aren't from the future, these are like the meanest yellow jackets ever, crossed with the meanest wasps ever, carrying the most poisonous venom ever. And they try to kill whoever busts into their nest. So...
Carefully she saws off the branch most of the way, then decides to leave the big drop till morning. Meanwhile, a teeny parachute lands on her branch.
KATNISS: Woohoo! Little jar of burn medicine! They do like me in TV land. Ahh, I can sleep easy now.
She does. Then, in the morning...
KATNISS: (*stretch*) Welp, time to be The Girl Who Dropped The Hornet's Nest.
*saw saw saw*
*total chaos and freakout*
READERS WITH BEE OR OTHER FLYING INSECT PHOBIAS: Aaaaaaaah!!
REST OF US: Eh, flying spiders would have been a lot scarier.
Still, it isn't good. KATNISS gets stung a few times and starts getting green, swollen, painful lumps and scary hallucinations. GLIMMER, the tribute who nabbed the bow and arrows, gets stung lots of times and dies twitching on the ground. Just as well. It's not like we could've taken someone named GLIMMER seriously.
KATNISS: Bow, arrows...mine! Whoa, world kinda spinning.
PEETA: (appearing out of nowhere and sparkling with water) Fly, you fool!
KATNISS: 'Kay. Runnin'. Peeta let me live? So confused. Holy crap, imaginary ants.
KATNISS: Feelin' better. Huntin'. Cookin' some bird. Oh hey, Rue. Yeah, you, hiding behind the tree. Want to be allies?
KATNISS: So, ten people left. And Peeta saved my life. Weird, right?
RUE: Not really, since he loves you hardcore. FYI, he's not hanging with those Career Tribute kids anymore, and they still have that massive pile of food they've hoarded.
KATNISS: Hmm. Indeed. Know what they're not good at? Being hungry. I bet they would be HELPLESS if they were hungry. Yeeessss. Heh heh heh.
RUE: What was that supposed to be?
KATNISS: Diabolical laughter.
KATNISS: Rise and shine, my small friend! Today we take out the Careers' food.
RUE: All right, but I warn you, I'm no good at diabolical laughter.
KATNISS: That's okay. Your job is to start fires as a diversion, while I destroy their food. Meet you back here. Don't get killed, all right?
KATNISS creeps up to the Careers' Pile O' Food and watches a while.
CATO: I got Lover Boy good with the sword. He's out there bleeding to death somewhere.
KATNISS: Go me! This time I remembered that I don't care.
CATO: Look, fire, up there! Let's go check it out.
KATNISS: Hmm, now we have a kid doing an interpretive dance near the food. What...I don't even...oh! I get it. They planted land mines by the food to protect it. Land mines, that's a handy skill to have in these games. But remember what I said about shooting arrows into apples?
KATNISS fires a few well-placed arrows that send a bag of apples spilling onto the land mines. BOOM. BOOM! BOOM!!!
KATNISS: Never goes out of style, friends.
KATNISS: Ow. The hearing in my left ear seems to have gone the way of Frodo's tenth finger. Hey Rue! Did you manage not to get killed?
RUE: Yep! I-- (*net falls on her* *spear impales her*) Make that no.
KATNISS spares a second to kill THE BASTARD WHO KILLED RUE (he doesn't get a name; he's just a bastard), then kneels down beside RUE.
RUE: (with dying breath) Know what would really make them cry? If you sang me to sleep.
KATNISS does, tenderly. The mockingjays sing too. RUE dies, and KATNISS decorates her body with flowers. A little parachute drops a loaf of bread from RUE's district for KATNISS.
READERS: (sobbing) I can't be CRYING right now. I'm RIDING THE CITY BUS, damn you.
OTHER PASSENGERS ON THE BUS: (sighing in sympathy) Oh, I know just what part you're at.
Later that night...
CLAUDIUS TEMPLESMITH: (via nightly PowerPoint presentation) Rule change! There can now be two winners as long as they're from the same district!
KATNISS: OhmyGod. (sits up and yells) PEETA, GET YOUR CUTE BUTT OVER HERE! (claps hands over mouth) Whoops. How'd that slip out?
KATNISS goes tromping up the stream the next day.
KATNISS: Must find Peeta. Must find Peeta. Must find Peeta.
PEETA: Hey girl, it's fine if you step on me. I get to look at your beautiful legs this way.
KATNISS: Wow. You look just like a bed of leaves down there. A bed of leaves with a horrible thigh wound.
PEETA: Anyone ever needs a giant cake frosted in jungle camo, I am their man.
KATNISS: (inspecting his wound; gagging) Unfortunately what you need is antibiotics.
PEETA: Kiss me, sexy nurse.
KATNISS: Riiight. Take off your clothes.
PEETA: Now we're talking.
KATNISS: No, they're covered with bacteria. And no, I'm not going to watch.
SHIPPERS: Oh, come on, the national TV audience is gonna watch him take his pants off. You might as well sneak a peek.
KATNISS: There, you're a tiny bit cleaner now. And your fever's only...um...114 or so. Eek. No, that's good, you're doing fine. Let's move into this cave and lie down.
PEETA: My sweet...if I die...(*cough*)...
KATNISS: Shut UP.
She kisses him, ostensibly to shut him up, but SHIPPERS know better.
KATNISS: Hey, look. I kiss you and a parachute floats down with some dinner for us. Huh.
PEETA: These just became the Hubba-Hubba Games, girl.
KATNISS: I'm assuming these angry red streaks radiating up from your scary wound are not part of the camo you painted?
PEETA: Afraid not.
PEETA: Hey, it's cool. Snuggle up and let me smooch your hands while you talk about home.
KATNISS: I don't see how that's going to help, but okay. (*anecdote about PRIMROSE's goat*)
CLAUDIUS TEMPLESMITH: We interrupt your charming anecdote to tell you there's a feast tomorrow! By which we mean a bloodbath! But there's a prize there that each of you desperately needs, so hah, you're coming.
PEETA: Don't go. I won't let you risk your life trying to get life-saving medicine for me.
KATNISS: Uh-huh. Here, eat these mashed berries.
PEETA: Odd. They taste like NyQuil.
KATNISS: Funny, huh?
PEETA: Hey! You-- (conks out)
KATNISS: Gale, if you're watching...about those kisses...I...uh...look, I'm just trying to stay alive, okay? Stop judging me! God!
She tromps through the woods, back to the gigantic ironic Cornucopia, then oof! She gets tackled by CLOVE, another Career Tribute with a silly name, though it's better than "Glimmer."
CLOVE: Cuts your pretty face, yes, precious, yes we will! (starts slicing)
KATNISS: Ack! Crazy chick alert. Help, anyone?
THRESH, huge tribute guy, picks up CLOVE in two fingers like a squirming bug.
THRESH: Did you kill Rue? That sweet little girl from my district?
CLOVE: No, precious! We swears it!
THRESH: Hm. Killing you anyway. (smashes her head with rock, then turns to KATNISS) You? Anything to say about Rue?
KATNISS: (bleeding, coughing) We were allies. Dude killed her with a spear. I sang to her. Gave her flowers. Brought down the house. Kill me fast, man, all right?
THRESH: Oh, hell, just go.
KATNISS grabs the prize marked "HANDY MEDICINE FOR DISTRICT 12 KIDS" and runs off unsteadily, head bleeding even more than Bruce Willis' does in most of his movies. Back in the cave of burnin' fever and love, she opens the medicine, plunges the needle into PEETA, and passes out.
PEETA: Hey girl, that's a really frightening pool of blood you're lying in, but don't worry; you look gorgeous in red, girl.
KATNISS: Your fever's gone. Yay!
PEETA: Here. Allow me to feed you tenderly by hand.
KATNISS: Oh, Peeta, it'll be so awesome if we don't die. Let's kiss.
KATNISS: Yes, dear?
PEETA: Your head wound's bleeding again.
KATNISS: Wow. Buzzkill.
SHIPPERS: No kidding.
KATNISS: (after getting head bandaged) I'm hungry, so let's talk more about how much we've been crushing on each other. For our live audience and the sponsors who might send us food.
PEETA: Oh, I've wanted you forever. Major love.
KATNISS: Yep. Same here. Big crush. Fondle my hair or something. There you go. Good.
It works: clink! A parachute drops them an entire steaming feast. KATNISS and PEETA cheer and dig in.
PEETA: Do you think if we had sex they'd let us win the Games right here and now?
PEETA: You sure? Aw, come on, it was only an idea! Baby, come back. You don't have to sleep way over there in the corner.
PEETA: Nightly PowerPoint presentation says Thresh is dead.
KATNISS: Damn. He was nice, kind of.
PEETA: So it's down to you, me, Cato, and Foxface. Weird how Foxface never got a real name, isn't it?
After their food's gone, they go out to do some hunting, but PEETA has never learned the art of not stepping on every dry stick in the vicinity.
KATNISS: (stopping) My GOD, you are louder than an entire herd of rhinos. I mean--um--you know, I bet you're EXCELLENT at gathering roots. You go do that while I shoot something, okay?
She bags some rabbit and squirrel and comes back.
PEETA: Hey girl, these berries looked as sweet as you, so I've been picking them and putting them with our food, and--whoa. Hovercraft.
Hovercraft picks up FOXFACE's dead body a short distance away.
KATNISS: Oh. She stole our highly poisonous berries. Good work, Peeta. You killed someone with your wily cluelessness.
PEETA: Yikes. Tossing these berries in the stream.
KATNISS: Wait! Let's keep them. Maybe we can trick Cato into eating them too. Or save them for some kind of star-crossed-lover scene. Do you know any lines from 'Romeo and Juliet'?
PEETA: "But soft, come back to yon cave and snuggle in mine sleeping bag, girl?"
KATNISS: (*sigh*) Fine, let's go rest.
Next day, they return to the stream to find there is no stream.
KATNISS: Ah. They took away our water. That means we go back to the lake by the Cornucopia.
They've barely gotten there when CATO goes barreling past.
CATO: OMFG, RUN.
And apparently now we're on the Island of Dr. Moreau, because a big pack of mean part-wolf part-human MUTTATIONS have swarmed out of the woods and are chasing the TRIBUTES. The kids climb up on top of the Cornucopia and start kicking and stabbing at the snarling jaws below.
KATNISS: Duuuudes. You want creepy? The muttations have the eyes and hair color of the dead tributes.
INTELLECTUALLY INCLINED READERS: Wait, those kids only died a few days ago. How could the scientists grow an entire wolf-sized thing with the right colors in that time? Or did they have living wolf-thing bodies waiting and then insert the eyes and maybe the brains, and dye the fur? Hmm, yeah, that could work. Creepy, as you say! Carry on.
CATO: I'm going to snap Peeta's neck.
KATNISS: Not if I knock you off the Cornucopia first.
She does. CATO falls. MUTTATIONS embark upon hellishly long, gross chewing party. Unfortunately one of the things they're chewing on, other than CATO, is a large chunk of PEETA's leg. KATNISS gives him a tourniquet. It's not very sexy, no. HOURS pass.
CATO: Seriously, girl, kill me down here.
KATNISS sends down a pity arrow that lands in his skull.
KATNISS: Wow. We did it. We won. So where's the fanfare? Hello? Trumpets, applause?
CLAUDIUS TEMPLESMITH: Hahaha, OMG you bought it when we said there could be two winners. Nope. Only one. Go!
PEETA: Go ahead. Kill me.
KATNISS: No, you kill me!
PEETA: No, you!
KATNISS: No, you--okay, know what? 'Romeo and Juliet' time.
She hands him some of the poisonous berries.
KATNISS: On the count of three?
PEETA: Deal. Hey girl, see you in heaven.
CLAUDIUS TEMPLESMITH: GaaahNooooAaaackSTOP! I mean--um--you both win! Haha! Yes. Congrats! ...ohmyGod some guy almost shot me here.
Ah, THERE'S the applause! PEETA and KATNISS spit out the berries and get hauled up into the sky in a hovercraft. PEETA passes out from blood loss and the medical team whisks him away.
KATNISS: No! Peeta, you can't die without even one last stupid "Hey girl" to me! Nooooo! (banging on glass walls like lunatic)
MEDICAL TEAM stabs her with sedative.
KATNISS wakes up days later, all refreshed, her left ear hearing dandy again. She wanders out of her room and finds HAYMITCH.
KATNISS: (hugging him) Buddy, I missed you! Is Peeta alive?
HAYMITCH: Yep. But you can't see him just yet. They want to show your reunion live on air.
KATNISS: "Live on air" is going to describe every moment between us from now on, isn't it?
HAYMITCH: Whenever possible. Hey, c'mere, hug me again. Atta girl. (muttering into her hair) Listen up, the Capitol wants to kill you two for almost killing yourselves. Watch your butts. "Went insane with love" is your only defense, so keep that up. Jump up and down on the couch like Tom Cruise if possible. Got it?
KATNISS: Um. Gulp.
KATNISS and PEETA reunite, live on stage, and spend--I kid you not--TEN MINUTES making out while the crowd goes wild. CAESAR FLICKERMAN finally locates a shoehorn and pries them apart.
CAESAR: Aren't you two cute! Here, snuggle on the loveseat while we show you the footage of your competitors dying.
KATNISS: ...Sexy. Not.
PRESIDENT SNOW: And here are the two halves of the crown, which I shall personally place upon your heads. (*cough*)Die, birtches.(*cough*)
CAESAR: Now, talk about your love for one another.
PEETA: Mine outshines the sun and hath been eternal since first I set eyes upon her.
KATNISS: Your Shakespeare has improved. Oh, my turn? Um...yes, I feel Peeta is...quite groovy. Ack! Peeta! You have a prosthetic leg since when??
CAESAR: Oh, sweetie, they didn't tell you?
PEETA: Hey girl, thanks for saving my life with that tourniquet, even if you couldn't save my leg.
KATNISS: Well. Crap.
CAESAR: All righty, lovebirds, hop on your train home!
On the journey home, PEETA manages to find a few seconds when the cameras aren't watching them.
PEETA: It's suddenly dawning on me that you think this love thing was all an act to keep us alive.
KATNISS: Duh. I mean--oh. You weren't acting?
PEETA wilts along with the flowers he's gathering for her.
KATNISS: I'm confused, all right? This is a freakishly confusing world! How could I not be confused?
PEETA: Never mind. It's fine. I'm just going to...go find that guyliner the stylist gave me.
KATNISS: I CAN'T BEAR HOW CONFUSED I AM.
READERS: Neither can we.
That's all! Gotta wait till the next book to see what happens!
The "Hey girl" Ryan Gosling meme was obviously not my invention; it can be found all over the Internet. And there's a Hunger-Games-specific one, which delighted and inspired me: http://hungergamesgosling.tumblr.com/archive
All the pictures come from that site.
Similarly, "Peeniss"/"KatPee" is not something I came up with, just something that made me giggle immaturely when other fans online pointed it out a while back.
And thanks to Tracy Erickson for "putting the 'laughter' back in 'slaughter.'"