Elrond: Hi everyone. Welcome to the secret meeting about secret dark things. Glóin, start us off?
Glóin: So a guy from "Lord Sauron" came by the Dwarf towns and was all, "Nice civilization you got here. Real shame if anything happened to it." And he wanted us to join Sauron and tell him about the Shire and hobbits and a ring. But we didn't.
Elrond: Good. Here's some background, then!
(Two hours later, after he has read The Silmarillion aloud to the assembled company...)
Elrond: To sum up, it was ugly last time Sauron was in a fighting mood. Trust me. I was there.
Frodo: You were THERE? How ancient are you?
Elrond: A little tact, Frodo, kthx.
Boromir: My turn! It might interest you guys to know that over in Minas Tirith, we're always fighting Mordor and keeping the world safe for epic sung poems and beer. So, YOU'RE WELCOME, everybody.
Aragorn: Well, I'VE been guarding everywhere OTHER than Minas Tirith, plus I've got the sword that was broken. See? I'm Isildur's heir. Ha. It's okay, you can thank me later.
Boromir: Yeah, I'm sure you've been real useful, hitchhiking around with your guitar and your weed, but Gondor's getting along fine without you.
Bilbo: Don't you disrespect! Whew, I'm hungry, is it lunchtime yet?
Elrond: Your turn to talk about the Ring, Bilbo.
Bilbo: Woohoo! Lunch can wait!
(Two hours later, after he has read The Hobbit aloud to the assembled company, with "actual unedited riddles" scene added...)
Elrond: Okay thank you. Enough. Gandalf, now you.
Gandalf: Twenty long years did I spend upon my doctoral thesis, What Is Going On With That Ring Bilbo Found, but finally my research proved that it was indeed the One Ring forged by Sauron to rule them all. So THEN, I tracked down Gollum, and found out he'd been tortured and told the enemy all about the Shire. So I handed him over to Aragorn.
Aragorn: But he was stinky so I dumped him in Elf prison. He's totally locked up for good.
Legolas: Oh. Um. Yeah, about that. Funny story. He uh...kinda escaped.
Glóin: What?? Way to go, hairspray-brain.
Legolas: We didn't mean to! It was Gollum's tree-climbing day and there were Orcs and stop blaming me!
Gandalf: Okay so ANYWAY, you guys are interrupting me, THEN I went to Saruman the White for counsel, only he was all, "I'm Saruman the Rainbow-Colored now!," and I was like, "White looked better," and he locked me up but an eagle rescued me and I got the awesomest horse from Rohan; his name's Shadowfax; seriously, he's so fast; and I tried to find Frodo but he had already left the Shire, so THEN, I went to Bree and found out where Frodo was. Btw, did you guys know Barliman Butterbur is fat?
Aragorn: LOL, OMG, so fat.
Elrond: Okay then. The Ring. Ideas?
Erestor: Give it to Tom Bombadil?
Gandalf: Interesting, but no.
Glorfindel: Throw it into the sea?
Gandalf: It wouldn't stay there.
Boromir: USE IT TO RULE THEM ALL, duh.
Gandalf: It's EVIL; were you listening? Big "no" on that idea.
Elrond: So we're down to "throw it into Mount Doom." Who wants to?
Gandalf: *snort*. No.
Frodo: Sigh. Fine. Me.
Elrond: Good! I was going to make you do it anyway.
Sam: Me too me too me too!
Elrond: SECRET meeting, Samwise, I said SECRET. Yes, fine, you too.