So. 'Chicago' was the big winner at the S.A.G. awards last night. I keep thinking I should see it, because I liked 'Moulin Rouge' and it looks sort of similar, but I can't get excited about it. Deep down I know it's different. 'Moulin Rouge' was a big grandiose mix of music styles, all of them over-the-top romantic; the whole thing was bursting at the seams with...well...freedom, beauty, truth, and love, as they claimed. Despite my cynical exterior I have an alarmingly soft spot for plush, gorgeous romanticism. Meanwhile, 'Chicago' looks sort of hard and snobbish and sophisticated. And, more to the point, I don't like jazz. I mean, I REALLY don't like it. That would surely spoil my enjoyment of 'Chicago' just a tad.
In fact, I'd like to take this space to quote a monologue Bruce McCullough once performed on "Kids in the Hall." In Bruce's usual easygoing way, he said it best:
People say, "What do you hate about poor old Jazz?"
I say, "The sound. The sound that Jazz instruments make when they're being manipulated by Jazz players to the delight of Jazz respondents. I think of it as musical barf."
They say, "I don't think you've given Jazz a chance."
Well, I maintain, I haven't given suicide a chance, but... Well, I did give suicide a chance, but that was only because I was threatened with Jazz. You know. Jazz music.
One thing I hate is being woken up in the middle of the night, when I'm dreaming about, say, promiscuity with dignity, by a rap-tap-tappin' on my window by those guys with goatee things on their faces, saying, "Hey. Can we come in? Beano's clarinet's gettin' wet." And then they go into this sorta Gene Krupa trance. Jazz, schmazz. I'm sorry; I've got to go that far. Jazz, schmazz.
True, I haven't actually seen 'Chicago.' My little sister spent twenty minutes telling me the whole plot, though. I figure that's enough. Give me back my pretty soft-hearted boys in white shirts, and keep your jazz.