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Modern technology in LotR

A silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Warning: possible spoilers.

10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.

5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.

3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.

2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.

1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.

Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.


Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.


( 59 comments — Leave a comment )
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Apr. 9th, 2003 06:17 pm (UTC)
HEHEHE! Those are soo amusing. . .mind if I post them in my journal?
Apr. 9th, 2003 06:50 pm (UTC)
Go ahead. Thanks!
Apr. 9th, 2003 06:41 pm (UTC)
*giggles* #9 amuses me intensely. Just think, all the time they were wondering what everyone else was up to... ;)
Apr. 9th, 2003 08:16 pm (UTC)
Exactly...wouldn't that perk up their mood?

Frodo: "Good news, Sam! Gandalf's alive and everyone's okay! I no longer feel so much like I'm naked in the dark and there's nothing between me and the wheel of fire."
Apr. 9th, 2003 06:43 pm (UTC)
Hilarious! Reminds me quite of your condensed version of TTT -- and I'm still laughing over that ...
Apr. 9th, 2003 08:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you! By the way, welcome to the madhouse. :)
Apr. 9th, 2003 07:18 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing* 10 pts for #10! Although then we would not have any jokes about "Manly Stubble."

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?" *giggles madly*

I love your wit and sarcasm. Makes the LoTR fandom a great place to be.
Apr. 9th, 2003 08:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks dude. :)

Yeah, it's probably not worth losing the "manly stubble" jokes. But sometimes I really want to take a razor to Aragorn's face.
Apr. 9th, 2003 07:33 pm (UTC)
Sauron doesn't stand a chance
Instead of poring over those dusty old texts in the library, Gandalf can use his laptop, sign onto AOL, and do a Google search on "One Ring."

Sam and Frodo are stylin' when they cruise around Middle Earth in their shiny red sports car.

Why sing all those ancient songs and poems yourself when you can listen to an awesome techno remix on CD?

With a single platoon of M240 machine gunners at the Battle of Helms Deep, Aragorn can say to Gandalf, "I'm glad to see you big guy but I think we have everything under control."

Load them all onto a C-130 with parachutes: instant airborne fellowship.

Neutron bomb: will kill every living thing in Mordor but leave the bad-ass tower of Barad Dur still standing. Pefect for throwing awesome Halloween parties.

Apr. 9th, 2003 09:58 pm (UTC)
Re: Sauron doesn't stand a chance
hahaha...dude, these are great!

Neutron bomb idea is way cool. It's true; you really wouldn't waste cool architecture like Barad-Dur or Cirith Ungol.

*imagines LOTR with Matrix-style techno soundtrack*...eeek!
Apr. 9th, 2003 08:12 pm (UTC)
Two words: Giant laser.
Apr. 9th, 2003 08:30 pm (UTC)
Hmmmm...The Allan Parsons Project? *smirks*
(no subject) - skye5 - Apr. 10th, 2003 06:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: - sacredpumpkin33 - Apr. 10th, 2003 07:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 9th, 2003 10:00 pm (UTC)
Good idea on the water filter. And, actually, I'd count destroying the Ring as a preemptive strike! :)
Apr. 9th, 2003 09:11 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaaa, i love the list. Great stuff. *giggling*
Apr. 9th, 2003 09:11 pm (UTC)
Those are great! I love the text message bit. It would make things *so* much easier. :)
Apr. 9th, 2003 09:18 pm (UTC)
Good stuff. How about:

Wargs with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.

Serving secret fire/wielding flame of Anor: good. Industrial-strength fire extinguisher: better.

Apr. 9th, 2003 10:03 pm (UTC)
Heheh...always love the frickin' laser beams.

Was wondering how to deal with the Balrog. Industrial-strength fire extinguisher is a nice idea. Fire hoses, too, maybe?
Apr. 9th, 2003 09:26 pm (UTC)
Problem solved - I love it!

- "Hrmmmm, hoom! Sure I've heard of Hobbits! Hoom! But I just assumed that footage was from a mockumentary that used a cool-ass combination of CGI effects and old-fashioned perspective tricks."

- "Honey? Honey come in here and check out this GNN travel report on Eriador. Doesn't this local tour guide look sort of, I dunno, Numenorian?"

- "The White Council turned its mind to Gollum's whereabouts, but someone [glancing sideways at Elrond in irritation] forget to get a new 9-volt for his handheld GPS, so it took us, like, 2 extra hours to pick up the lo-jack signal I tagged him with."

- "Next up in our 'Gondor Besieged' coverage, images from our exclusive EctheliCam show a host of horsemen bearing down on the Minas Tirith area. We'll analyze the footage with a retired Citadel Guard..."

- "They were out of Kingsfoil, but I found some Cipro at the 7-Elevensy. Will that work?"

- "You will taste man-flesh! And don't forget to order the new McSouthron special while you're there!! With a Kiddy Palantir while supplies last. (Your parents put it together.)"

Apr. 9th, 2003 10:07 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! Love these! GPS...now we're talkin'.

Oh, boy, the possibilities with 'Gondor Besieged' coverage. Would that make Merry an "embedded reporter"?

(no subject) - jedmiller - Apr. 10th, 2003 09:15 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mollyringle - Apr. 10th, 2003 03:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rachel2205 - Apr. 11th, 2003 05:28 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jedmiller - Apr. 11th, 2003 06:27 am (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 9th, 2003 09:28 pm (UTC)
I like #2. Sam wouldn't forget to pack the Raid, if it existed. LOL.
Nice work Lemonlye!
Apr. 9th, 2003 10:09 pm (UTC)
Exactly - he's a gardener; I'm sure he'd never forget Raid.
Your icon is hilarious, btw. :)
(no subject) - defeatedsoul - Apr. 9th, 2003 10:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 10th, 2003 12:20 am (UTC)
ok, that made me laugh so hard i cried. seriously. LMAO
You rule. :-)
Apr. 10th, 2003 02:49 am (UTC)
funny funny
Apr. 10th, 2003 03:00 am (UTC)
Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

My favorite. Coffee came out my nose when I read this. I swear.
Apr. 10th, 2003 03:41 pm (UTC)
Re: *snort*
Ouch. Sorry about that. ;)
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