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Modern technology in LotR

A silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Warning: possible spoilers.

10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.

5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.

3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.

2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.

1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.

Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.

And please note: I AM NOT BEING SERIOUS AND I DO REALIZE IT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE PLOT TO INTRODUCE MODERN INNOVATIONS.

Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.

Comments

( 59 comments — Leave a comment )
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pegkerr
Apr. 10th, 2003 04:21 am (UTC)
Thanks
for my morning laugh.

Cheers,
Peg
dorei
Apr. 10th, 2003 04:53 am (UTC)
Saruman would not have needed to get palantir from Sauron as he could have picked one up in the latest Sharper Image catalog.

Isildur would have a better edge against the Ents if Saruman had Agent Orange.

Eowyn and Arwen would have been on the front lines thanks to EOE and the ACLU.
mollyringle
Apr. 10th, 2003 03:43 pm (UTC)
*snickers at the Sharper Image thing*

(Assuming you mean "Isengard" rather than "Isildur".)

Re: - dorei - Apr. 10th, 2003 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
rachel2205
Apr. 10th, 2003 05:39 am (UTC)
I can just imagine the boy elves with one of those Babyliss Crazy Braiders or a set of crimpers...

OK, it may not seem funny written down, but I have a very amusing image of the elves having a slumber party, sitting on a bed painting their nails, styling their hair and gossiping about that gorgeous Aragorn and isn't that Arwen such a bitch?

Anyway...
tiniowien
Apr. 10th, 2003 06:59 am (UTC)
*snickers*

Lovely work. Gotta hand it to you, a tank would've come in mighty handy... ^_~

Oh, and:

OK, it may not seem funny written down, but I have a very amusing image of the elves having a slumber party, sitting on a bed painting their nails, styling their hair and gossiping about that gorgeous Aragorn and isn't that Arwen such a bitch?

^_^ You're not the only one who can see that scene playing out, Rachel...

P.S: I'm the crazy one who sent you those VSD and FOTR slash parody colls, lemonlye. Finally have a LJ! *bounces* Glad to be here! ^_^
(no subject) - rachel2205 - Apr. 10th, 2003 07:27 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mollyringle - Apr. 10th, 2003 03:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mollyringle - Apr. 10th, 2003 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
semielliptical
Apr. 10th, 2003 08:29 am (UTC)
Heehee! These are terrific, particularly:

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

And the Sarcasm Alert? That really made me laugh!
xenedra
Apr. 10th, 2003 09:26 am (UTC)
Funny girl
9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

Too funny.

I just got done reading The Two Towers for the first time and I'm now halfway through Return of The King. (I'm a late bloomer...28 and never read Tolkien. *gasp!*) Glad I got through most of anything that would be a spoiler in that post...heheh...because I couldn't not read it. ;D
xenedra
Apr. 10th, 2003 09:27 am (UTC)
Re: Funny girl
Bah! A double negative! Sorry mom!
Re: Funny girl - mollyringle - Apr. 10th, 2003 03:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
kateelvellon
Apr. 10th, 2003 10:01 am (UTC)
/clap!
lordreaibn
Apr. 10th, 2003 01:48 pm (UTC)
that is hilarious. it has been too long, indeed. you continue to rock!
oloriel
Apr. 10th, 2003 03:16 pm (UTC)
Dammit! It's your fault that I have to wipe my monitor AGAIN! Shame on you!
*grumbles*

Which means: This is hilarious. I laughed so hard my brother came in and asked whether I was alright. And that means something, considering how loud he has his music playing...
*g*
Have to learn not to drink while reading funny things though. *blink*

Awesome. You rock.
mollyringle
Apr. 11th, 2003 09:09 pm (UTC)
*hands over a paper towel*

Sorry about that. But, thanks. ;)
ghanburighan
Apr. 11th, 2003 03:05 pm (UTC)
interesting....
now that i think of it, although it would have ruined the entire story, why not just have gwahir carry frodo to the mountain of doom in the first place? it would have solved a heck of a lot of problems.
poo_head
Apr. 11th, 2003 08:57 pm (UTC)
Re: interesting....
I read a fic where that happened.. it was amusing.
Re: interesting.... - mollyringle - Apr. 11th, 2003 09:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
lush_rimbaud
Apr. 11th, 2003 06:44 pm (UTC)
hee!

oh, and nothing to do with your post, but a fic rec for you: The Cybersex Lives of Hobbits. Really, really fabulous and funny and hot. ^_~
mollyringle
Apr. 11th, 2003 08:35 pm (UTC)
*cackles in delight*
Ah, thank you for that, dear.

Actually, it is connected with this post. I mean, the lads (and lasses) being able to cybersex each other is clearly a huge advantage of introducing modern technology to LotR. ;)
(no subject) - lush_rimbaud - Apr. 11th, 2003 09:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Anonymous)
Apr. 12th, 2003 03:14 pm (UTC)
Weehoo! *gurgle* Joy!
V. funny. You're right, it's been too long, I am glad to see the Hobbitses Strike Back. Did you ever read _Bored of the Rings_? It actually has the Sam character, Spam, spritzing insect repellent in the face of Shelob. ("Schlob".) That book is so goofy--sample quote:
_"This is indeed a queer river", said Bromosel, as the waters lapped gently at his thighs._
That book was written in the early seventies but, in places, it's like they looked thirty years ahead and saw what we were up to!
Yours faithfully,
April the Lurker
mollyringle
Apr. 13th, 2003 09:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Weehoo! *gurgle* Joy!
Hiya April,

Nope, haven't read 'Bored of the Rings' yet. Sounds like I'll have to.
*snickers at "Spam" and the "queer river" quotation*

I'm betting there will be an 'Airplane'-style movie spoof of LotR before long, too. That could be fabulous if done right. (Mel Brooks, get on it!)
deathbringer
Apr. 23rd, 2003 07:06 am (UTC)
XD
Pippin: How will we get there fast enough

Gandalf: Dont worry.. *whistles*
*A car drives up and they get in it*

Gandalf: 2.8 litre 1977 Ford capri, it is the king of all cars

XD
mollyringle
Apr. 23rd, 2003 10:49 am (UTC)
Re: XD
Hee hee.

"Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads..."
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( 59 comments — Leave a comment )

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