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Modern technology in LotR

A silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Warning: possible spoilers.

10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.

5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.

3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.

2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.

1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.

Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.

And please note: I AM NOT BEING SERIOUS AND I DO REALIZE IT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE PLOT TO INTRODUCE MODERN INNOVATIONS.

Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.

Comments

darthbeckman
Apr. 9th, 2003 07:33 pm (UTC)
Sauron doesn't stand a chance
Instead of poring over those dusty old texts in the library, Gandalf can use his laptop, sign onto AOL, and do a Google search on "One Ring."

Sam and Frodo are stylin' when they cruise around Middle Earth in their shiny red sports car.

Why sing all those ancient songs and poems yourself when you can listen to an awesome techno remix on CD?

With a single platoon of M240 machine gunners at the Battle of Helms Deep, Aragorn can say to Gandalf, "I'm glad to see you big guy but I think we have everything under control."

Load them all onto a C-130 with parachutes: instant airborne fellowship.

Neutron bomb: will kill every living thing in Mordor but leave the bad-ass tower of Barad Dur still standing. Pefect for throwing awesome Halloween parties.

mollyringle
Apr. 9th, 2003 09:58 pm (UTC)
Re: Sauron doesn't stand a chance
hahaha...dude, these are great!

Neutron bomb idea is way cool. It's true; you really wouldn't waste cool architecture like Barad-Dur or Cirith Ungol.

*imagines LOTR with Matrix-style techno soundtrack*...eeek!