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Modern technology in LotR

A silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Warning: possible spoilers.

10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.

5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.

3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.

2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.

1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.

Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.


Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.


Apr. 9th, 2003 09:26 pm (UTC)
Problem solved - I love it!

- "Hrmmmm, hoom! Sure I've heard of Hobbits! Hoom! But I just assumed that footage was from a mockumentary that used a cool-ass combination of CGI effects and old-fashioned perspective tricks."

- "Honey? Honey come in here and check out this GNN travel report on Eriador. Doesn't this local tour guide look sort of, I dunno, Numenorian?"

- "The White Council turned its mind to Gollum's whereabouts, but someone [glancing sideways at Elrond in irritation] forget to get a new 9-volt for his handheld GPS, so it took us, like, 2 extra hours to pick up the lo-jack signal I tagged him with."

- "Next up in our 'Gondor Besieged' coverage, images from our exclusive EctheliCam show a host of horsemen bearing down on the Minas Tirith area. We'll analyze the footage with a retired Citadel Guard..."

- "They were out of Kingsfoil, but I found some Cipro at the 7-Elevensy. Will that work?"

- "You will taste man-flesh! And don't forget to order the new McSouthron special while you're there!! With a Kiddy Palantir while supplies last. (Your parents put it together.)"

Apr. 9th, 2003 10:07 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! Love these! GPS...now we're talkin'.

Oh, boy, the possibilities with 'Gondor Besieged' coverage. Would that make Merry an "embedded reporter"?

Apr. 10th, 2003 09:15 am (UTC)
Would that make Merry an "embedded reporter"?

Hey, don't rush me with the slashy stuff! ;-) To me, "Slash" is still a guitar player, or a character from "Square Pegs."

(But the elf slumber party mentioned above definitely has me giggling. Picturing the super-cool way they leap into bunkbeds...!)
Apr. 10th, 2003 03:54 pm (UTC)
Picturing the super-cool way they leap into bunkbeds...!

*almost chokes on cereal from laughing*

Hehe, oddly, I didn't intend the embedded-Merry comment to be slashy (for once). I just figured, since he was down there on the battlefield, perhaps he would count as embedded. Anyway, he spends most of that battle hovering around Eowyn, so even if it's kinky it wouldn't be "slashy." :)
Apr. 11th, 2003 05:28 am (UTC)
Hee hee, definitely. Someone needs to write a fanfic for my little party idea - I would, but I'm not as deeply embedded in the LOTR world as some of you folk are, so wouldn't do the characters justice. But I do love those pretty men and their silly homoerotic ways ;)
Apr. 11th, 2003 06:27 am (UTC)
Maybe we could start with, like "LOTR: The Teen Years" or "Ring Babies."

"But Uncle Bilbo...! I only borrowed the ring to find out if Courtney Bracegirdle liked me!"