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Modern technology in LotR

A silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Warning: possible spoilers.

10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.

5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.

3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.

2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.

1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.

Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.

And please note: I AM NOT BEING SERIOUS AND I DO REALIZE IT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE PLOT TO INTRODUCE MODERN INNOVATIONS.

Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.

Comments

dorei
Apr. 10th, 2003 04:53 am (UTC)
Saruman would not have needed to get palantir from Sauron as he could have picked one up in the latest Sharper Image catalog.

Isildur would have a better edge against the Ents if Saruman had Agent Orange.

Eowyn and Arwen would have been on the front lines thanks to EOE and the ACLU.
mollyringle
Apr. 10th, 2003 03:43 pm (UTC)
*snickers at the Sharper Image thing*

(Assuming you mean "Isengard" rather than "Isildur".)

dorei
Apr. 10th, 2003 03:48 pm (UTC)
Re:
Yep. Brain fart brought on by reading LJ but feeling guilty and nervous about being caught while at work.