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Modern technology in LotR

A silly LOTR post...because it's been way, way too long.

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Warning: possible spoilers.

10. Shampoo, electric razors, deodorant. Enough said. (Excepting Legolas, who doesn't appear to need these.)

9. Text message from Gandalf to Frodo: "It's OK, I'm alive. U guys in Mordor yet?"

8. Voice of Saruman could probably be shouted down with bullhorn.

7. Mithril vest for one member of Fellowship: good. Kevlar vests for all nine members of Fellowship: better.

6. Shock collar on Gollum would ensure he couldn't go sneaking ahead.

5. Cell phone call from Theoden to Eomer: "Yeah, we need you to turn around and come meet us at Helm's Deep. Right now. Oh, and bring the tank."

4. Anti-aircraft artillery very effective against flying Nazgul.

3. Shelob's Lair much easier to navigate with night-vision goggles.

2. Swords and Light of Earendil: good. Giant can of Raid sprayed directly into spider's eyes: better.

1. Attach Ring to atomic bomb. Have Gwaihir-the-eagle drop it on Mount Doom. Problem solved.

Feel free to suggest others. Granted, there would be serious disadvantages too - imagine if Sauron and Saruman got hold of heat-seeking missiles or whatnot. But this is just for fun, so let's not get too heavy.

And please note: I AM NOT BEING SERIOUS AND I DO REALIZE IT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE PLOT TO INTRODUCE MODERN INNOVATIONS.

Sorry about that. Sometimes people are humor-impaired and I need to put the Sarcasm Alert Sticker two inches in front of their eyes before they get it.

Comments

(Anonymous)
Apr. 12th, 2003 03:14 pm (UTC)
Weehoo! *gurgle* Joy!
V. funny. You're right, it's been too long, I am glad to see the Hobbitses Strike Back. Did you ever read _Bored of the Rings_? It actually has the Sam character, Spam, spritzing insect repellent in the face of Shelob. ("Schlob".) That book is so goofy--sample quote:
_"This is indeed a queer river", said Bromosel, as the waters lapped gently at his thighs._
That book was written in the early seventies but, in places, it's like they looked thirty years ahead and saw what we were up to!
Yours faithfully,
April the Lurker
mollyringle
Apr. 13th, 2003 09:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Weehoo! *gurgle* Joy!
Hiya April,

Nope, haven't read 'Bored of the Rings' yet. Sounds like I'll have to.
*snickers at "Spam" and the "queer river" quotation*

I'm betting there will be an 'Airplane'-style movie spoof of LotR before long, too. That could be fabulous if done right. (Mel Brooks, get on it!)