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Problems with literal Bible interpretation

Inspired by silverowlwings...

A bit of humor that was forwarded around on email a long while back. You might have already seen it. As a prelude, I feel I should state my position:

While I am a great believer in freedom of religion (provided it doesn't involve seizing and sacrificing your neighbors or their pets, etc.), and have respect for most religious stripes, and am something of a Catholic-by-default myself, I do not think anyone should do anything or believe anything for the sole reason that "the Bible says so." (Exception: you could do an archaeological dig based on clues from the Bible as to location of ancient cities. This has actually worked a few times.) The Bible has a lot of good advice, but, like all ancient religious texts, it has been through too many translations, and is too far removed now from its original cultural context, to be taken literally in all passages. So, that is why this forward amused me, as it demonstrates this point quite well.

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(author unknown - written as a letter to an advice columnist)

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice, however, regarding some of the specific laws & how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day & age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male & female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it's a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some room for negotiation here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse & blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

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Hee hee.

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Comments

ceiros
Apr. 27th, 2003 06:06 pm (UTC)
Awwww
They missed my favorite Leviticus law... the one that tells you the one correct way to clean mold. I showed it to my mother once just to let her know, but she got all mad at me...