Top 10 Ways I Could Still Screw Up My Thesis
1. Print the whole thing on flamingo-pink card stock. Claim to have misunderstood directions regarding white 25%-cotton bond.
2. Change font every five pages, being sure to include Wingdings and fancy cursive designs that have no way to express numbers or punctuation. Claim to have misunderstood directions regarding consistent and readable typeface.
3. When submitting final copy, ask Graduate Studies: "Oh, one last thing: do I need to put my ghostwriter's name on this?"
4. Use footnotes as space for waxing melancholy about the ephemeral quality of youth. And for writing down coffee cake recipes.
5. Replace all figures with Polaroids of neighbor's cat. Replace all tables and charts with pieces of programming grid clipped from TV Guide.
6. Choose a random page in the middle of the thesis. Take a pen with blood-red ink and scrawl across the text, "It's a trap!! Academia is a trap!! Get out while you still can!!"
7. Put on bright red lipstick and kiss every page.
8. Rather than using traditional Arabic numerals for page numbers, use a numbering system of your own devising, consisting of dots and zodiac-inspired symbols and using base 8. Claim to have misunderstood directions regarding traditional page numbers.
9. Change title to "The Prisoner of Ass-Kaban: A Linguistic Analysis of Metaphor in Descriptions of Underage Sex in Harry Potter Fanfiction," even though this is not topic of thesis.
10. Add to acknowledgements: "...and special thanks to Professor Jameson for all the sex."