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Ways to get your thesis rejected

My committee has agreed to sign off on my thesis. Whew. I have more hoops to jump and homework to do before officially graduating, of course, but it's nice to have gotten the green light. But after a little thought, I realized there were still lots of things I could do that would snarl up the thesis submittal process. Here are a few.

Top 10 Ways I Could Still Screw Up My Thesis

1. Print the whole thing on flamingo-pink card stock. Claim to have misunderstood directions regarding white 25%-cotton bond.

2. Change font every five pages, being sure to include Wingdings and fancy cursive designs that have no way to express numbers or punctuation. Claim to have misunderstood directions regarding consistent and readable typeface.

3. When submitting final copy, ask Graduate Studies: "Oh, one last thing: do I need to put my ghostwriter's name on this?"

4. Use footnotes as space for waxing melancholy about the ephemeral quality of youth. And for writing down coffee cake recipes.

5. Replace all figures with Polaroids of neighbor's cat. Replace all tables and charts with pieces of programming grid clipped from TV Guide.

6. Choose a random page in the middle of the thesis. Take a pen with blood-red ink and scrawl across the text, "It's a trap!! Academia is a trap!! Get out while you still can!!"

7. Put on bright red lipstick and kiss every page.

8. Rather than using traditional Arabic numerals for page numbers, use a numbering system of your own devising, consisting of dots and zodiac-inspired symbols and using base 8. Claim to have misunderstood directions regarding traditional page numbers.

9. Change title to "The Prisoner of Ass-Kaban: A Linguistic Analysis of Metaphor in Descriptions of Underage Sex in Harry Potter Fanfiction," even though this is not topic of thesis.

10. Add to acknowledgements: "...and special thanks to Professor Jameson for all the sex."


May. 23rd, 2003 06:40 am (UTC)
I'm a Lit nerd, and one of my dreams is to take T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land apart piece by piece to discover what it's truly about. It's rare that you find a class that goes into it in real detail -- most professors I've had just touch on it, because they're not entirely sure what it's about themselves.
May. 24th, 2003 10:02 am (UTC)
Ah, cool. I haven't read much poetry in my life, but we did read The Waste Land in one of my college lit classes, and though I certainly didn't "get" all of it, I was pretty impressed. :) There are some very beautiful sections that stuck with me through all these years...which I guess is what good poetry ought to do.