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Disclaimer: Done in the style of, and as a tribute to, cassieclaire, who started this whole wonderful thing. Tolkien's characters do not belong to me (nor to her), and nobody gives us money for using them.
The Very Secret Diary of Faramir, son of Denethor
Day 1: Boromir is dead. Most upsetting. Wonder if this means Dad will let me have Horn of Gondor? Boromir always got more dates with that thing. Even though I bathed way more often than him.
Day 2: OK, not getting Horn of Gondor. Getting sent to clammy cave in Ithilien with bunch of archers instead. Think Dad has some "issues." He kept flicking a lighter on and off the whole time I was talking to him. Really weird. Hope he's snapped out of it by the time I get back.
Day 3: Productive day. Saw an army of guys in these wicked cool uniforms – black veils and eyeliner and stuff - I'm thinking the Gondor army should start dressing like that. Anyway, they were the enemy and we killed them.
Also captured two tiny spies who say their names are Samwise and Frodo. Probably a lie. Who would name their kids that?
Blindfolded them and carried them to cave. They claimed to be in Ithilien for the spa treatment. Clearly lying. Last spa around here closed ten years ago. Also said they knew Boromir. I asked how familiar they were with the Horn of Gondor. They just looked at me funny. Am guessing they did not encounter Horn that closely.
Incidentally, did not know hobbit gardeners were so intent on giving footrubs to their masters.
Day 4: Am I the only one who's noticed how cute the blue-eyed hobbit is? Wonder if he's interested in trading up gardener for prince of Gondor.
Day 5: Why do we have to shoot anyone who gets into the pool? I never understood that.
Captured ill-favored gangly creature who was nicking fish. I wanted to drop-kick creature off cliff, but Frodo used big blue eyes on me and convinced me not to. Am getting too damn soft.
Day 6: Asked ill-favored gangly creature if Frodo was seeing anyone. He said "Fat one always watching. Kills you if you try anything." Hmm. May have to reinstate blindfold rule.
Day 7: Frodo v. naughty. Has been lying to me – turns out he is carrying Ring of power. Will definitely have to handcuff him and take him to sunny beaches of Osgiliath with me and serve him pineapple drinks with little umbrellas. As punishment, of course.
Day 8: In Osgiliath. Slight problem here as city is under attack by forces of Mordor, but otherwise am looking forward to nice three-day weekend with Ringbearers. Have decided gardener can still give Frodo footrubs as long as I get other parts. Am capable of sharing, unlike some deceased brothers I could name.
Hoping to bring little fellows home with me. Then I could give Ring to Dad, which might brighten up his mood. Maybe in return he could give me Horn of Gondor, or some other babe-magnet trinket from the ancestral vaults. I mean, we must have lots of cool stuff back there.
Day 9: Sent postcard to Aragorn at Helm's Deep. Suspect he will be v. jealous to see photo of me on beach with arm around Frodo and Sam. Haha - see what could happen if you'd wash your hair, King-boy?
Day 10:: Hrrmf. Ringbearers are off to Mount Doom. Was going to force Frodo to stay, under penalty of arrow through the foot, but he used big blue tear-filled eyes on me again, so I let him go.
Will never be Steward of Gondor if I keep being such a sap. Don't know what I'm going to tell Dad about losing the Ring.
Think Dad is right: I suck.