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Here's your laugh for the day: I dug up a bunch of quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000. If you've never seen it or heard of it, all you need to know is that it consists of a few lovably geeky characters watching and heckling genuine bad movies from earlier decades. Knowing what movie they're watching really isn't necessary in order to appreciate these. But I recommend using some of them for future film reviews.

* * *

Tom Servo: Special agents are called in to slow the film down and grind it to a screeching halt.
Crow: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!

Mighty Joe #1: "Fire laser gun!"
Mighty Joe #2: "Fire second battery!"
Crow: "Fire screenwriter!"

The captain has turned off the `No Dubbing' sign. You are free to speak any language you choose.

Narrator: "There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics."
Tom Servo: "Oops."

No spiders were squished, stepped on, flushed, or made to suffer any emotional distress during the making of this film. One spider did die of old age; we have two letters from doctors confirming this.

Well, one good thing about the apocalypse... plenty of parking.

Help! I’ve plummeted to my death and I can’t get up!

Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a *pie chart* or something?

'Chapter Two: Molten Terror'! Ooo, isn't terror bad enough without being molten?

Always get a contract when dealing with a dark, omnipotent power.

I think they forgot to have stuff happen in this movie.

You know, wild horses couldn’t drag this plot any further.

It seems as though my doom is imminent. So—how are you?

Narrator: “Here in Texas, there is an additional problem…”
Crow: “…Texans!”

Well, I think the point they've established so far is that they're going into space. I think that's probably established. Maybe we'll need another TEN MINUTES or so to make it clear.

Remember last week, when he was alive? Well, that didn’t last…

So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, then leaves?

Do you want to make people’s heads explode? Sure—we all do!

That’s 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!

We’ve broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to YOU!

It’s like they weren’t even sure they were filming a chase scene.

We don’t want you to pray FOR us; we want you to pray TO us.

Could you please state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death?

What about the plot, Joel? Am I the only one who cares?

Do not be afraid; I do not hurt innocent people. I have assistants for that.



( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 2nd, 2003 06:44 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHA! I used to watch that show religiously, but then they moved it on me and I never found it again. When I did, there was no more Joel.

I really need to find the old episodes.
Jun. 2nd, 2003 06:53 pm (UTC)
Captain Kirk: Plot this course....
Tom Servo" COURSE?!? Why don't you try plotting this MOVIE!??!?!

Jun. 3rd, 2003 10:31 am (UTC)
Hahaha...oh, they do indeed rock.
Jun. 2nd, 2003 07:17 pm (UTC)
My favorite of all time....
...is The Final Sacrafice....the only quote that I can pull off the top of my head, however, is at the point in the movie where this guy falls off a horse and stands up and looks at him, one of the bots (can't remember which one) says, "Looks like it's my turn to ride you now."
Jun. 2nd, 2003 07:38 pm (UTC)
Re: My favorite of all time....
I have to go with Puma Man. "Puma Man, he flies like a moron!"
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 3rd, 2003 10:32 am (UTC)
Ah. Heh; the makers of those movies should be thankful that anyone is watching them, even if to heckle.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - mollyringle - Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 2nd, 2003 07:20 pm (UTC)
Oh, MST3K! Those were the days.

Long ago when I was a geek (Wait, I still am a geek!), I had season 4 and 5 recorded to VHS. Unfortunately that was when I was staying with my dad in L.A. nearly ten years ago. Consequently, I don't have my MST3K tapes anymore.


But for the hardcore... They are being released on DVD. Yay!

Jun. 2nd, 2003 08:28 pm (UTC)
...HOLY, SH--are you serious?!? DVD?!? The whole show?!?!?


*dashes off to throw a party*
(no subject) - mollyringle - Jun. 3rd, 2003 01:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 2nd, 2003 07:25 pm (UTC)
"How much O'Keefe is IN this movie?"

*pauses, grins, waits for it.....*
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:00 pm (UTC)
Miles! MILES O'Keefe!


Jun. 2nd, 2003 07:31 pm (UTC)
Best quote ever [for me personally]. Some horrible film with a small Robby Benson cameo. He's seen on-screen and one of the bots says something to the effect of "Hey Mr Benson, there's some girl tossing something off a bridge in Tennessee, I think she's waiting for you." Quite possibly only funny to me as I am huge Robby Benson fangirl.
Jun. 2nd, 2003 07:48 pm (UTC)
One of my favorite mst3k lines is from a movie they were watching called "Agent from HARM," a James Bond ripoff. The hero (I think his name was Chance or something) is acting as a bodyguard for a Soviet defector, Dr. Stefanik. Several dozen bad guys try to capture the defector so he's understandably paranoid. The scene shows him sitting in his living room with his pistol ready. Chance opens the door to enter the house and the doctor fires.

Chance: Stefanik! It's me, Chance!
Mike, in thick Russian accent: I know!
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:01 pm (UTC)
That one sounds familiar. I'm pretty sure I saw it. Wish I still got a channel it was shown on. *sigh*
Jun. 2nd, 2003 08:16 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahaha. *amused* I should try to check that out, those are hilarious. ;)
Jun. 2nd, 2003 08:27 pm (UTC)
I always loved that show. My favorite was "Puma Man"--did you see that one?

"Now he takes out a personal ad: 'Saw you in Museum, you took bone, I chased you.'"

My favorite of the ones you posted, though, had to be: "I think they forgot to have stuff happen in this movie."

*cheers* MST3K!! WOOT!
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:03 pm (UTC)
Re: LoL!
*snickers at Puma Man description* (Even though I never saw it, to my recollection.)

I think I'm fondest of "Remember last week, when he was alive? Well, that didn't last..."

Or another that I just remembered, which isn't on the list: from some time-travel Revolutionary-War movie, when someone is running out onto a battlefield and yelling to cause a distraction:

One of the robots: "Ah, the young nation's first spaz attack."
Jun. 2nd, 2003 09:32 pm (UTC)
Narrator: “Here in Texas, there is an additional problem…”
Crow: “…Texans!”

Yay! I love this one! This is the best!

Nope... no bad experiences with Texans here... not me... not that Oregonians are way better any day....

(frantic apologies to any Texans who may see this... I know there are lovely people in Texas!)

I love MST3K... did you ever see the one where it was the weird German version of Hamlet where they chopped up the story and moved it around and deleted certain parts entirely? Yeah, that was fun.
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:04 pm (UTC)
Aye, the Texan one is funny even though I know lots of lovely Texans. :)

Don't think I saw the Hamlet one. Damn, they really better release these on DVD...
Jun. 2nd, 2003 10:18 pm (UTC)
The 4th wed of every month over at Seattle's sex-positive community center is Mystery Porn Theatre night. Audience participation is encouraged, and very very *very* bad porn is used ;)
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:06 pm (UTC)
Re: heh
Seriously? That's hilarious. Now I'm looking forward even more to moving back to Seattle. ;)
Jun. 3rd, 2003 12:09 am (UTC)
I love Mystery Science Theater! An old boyfriend opened that world up to me and I haven't been the same since. One quote I remember is where this pilot is trying to control his plane and the stick is in between his legs...

"Uhh...should we be watching this?"

*rushes off to rent movies*
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:07 pm (UTC)
I think I saw that one. It does strike me as familiar. Ah, they're the greatest.
Jun. 3rd, 2003 06:43 am (UTC)
"...and TORTURE!!!"

You know it's funny when just being reminded of it sends you into hysterics. Lemon, sometimes I think you were bred by those Tleilaxu gene-masters from "Dune" to naturally know about all the funniest sh*t.

I think they forgot to have stuff happen in this movie. -- definitely the best. And what about all the times the 'bots just start humming the soundtrack??

DUM-dum dah-DUM-DUM ... DUM-dum dah-DUM-DUM ...
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:09 pm (UTC)
I must read this Dune everyone speaks of... (my husband says he has a copy somewhere).

Looks like quite a lot of us know MST3K - more than I expected, anyway. That was one of the few shows that could leave me laughing so helplessly I couldn't speak. Not sure how they do it, but it was brilliant.
Jun. 3rd, 2003 10:45 am (UTC)

That show was the greatest! Where did it go?
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:12 pm (UTC)
It might still be on the SciFi channel, but I don't get that one, so I'm not really sure. Hope someone picks it up. Comedy Central could use it.
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