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Here's your laugh for the day: I dug up a bunch of quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000. If you've never seen it or heard of it, all you need to know is that it consists of a few lovably geeky characters watching and heckling genuine bad movies from earlier decades. Knowing what movie they're watching really isn't necessary in order to appreciate these. But I recommend using some of them for future film reviews.

* * *

Tom Servo: Special agents are called in to slow the film down and grind it to a screeching halt.
Crow: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!

Mighty Joe #1: "Fire laser gun!"
Mighty Joe #2: "Fire second battery!"
Crow: "Fire screenwriter!"

The captain has turned off the `No Dubbing' sign. You are free to speak any language you choose.

Narrator: "There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics."
Tom Servo: "Oops."

No spiders were squished, stepped on, flushed, or made to suffer any emotional distress during the making of this film. One spider did die of old age; we have two letters from doctors confirming this.

Well, one good thing about the apocalypse... plenty of parking.

Help! I’ve plummeted to my death and I can’t get up!

Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a *pie chart* or something?

'Chapter Two: Molten Terror'! Ooo, isn't terror bad enough without being molten?

Always get a contract when dealing with a dark, omnipotent power.

I think they forgot to have stuff happen in this movie.

You know, wild horses couldn’t drag this plot any further.

It seems as though my doom is imminent. So—how are you?

Narrator: “Here in Texas, there is an additional problem…”
Crow: “…Texans!”

Well, I think the point they've established so far is that they're going into space. I think that's probably established. Maybe we'll need another TEN MINUTES or so to make it clear.

Remember last week, when he was alive? Well, that didn’t last…

So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, then leaves?

Do you want to make people’s heads explode? Sure—we all do!

That’s 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!

We’ve broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to YOU!

It’s like they weren’t even sure they were filming a chase scene.

We don’t want you to pray FOR us; we want you to pray TO us.

Could you please state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death?

What about the plot, Joel? Am I the only one who cares?

Do not be afraid; I do not hurt innocent people. I have assistants for that.



( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:29 pm (UTC)
It is fantastic, very funny. I saw one with an old black and white movie of a head in a box that could control people's minds. Wonderful. Any idea what it was called? I saw it years ago but have never come across the film since.
Jun. 4th, 2003 04:49 pm (UTC)
Hee - no idea...they featured so many movies. This site has an episode guide, if you want to scan through and see if anything jogs your memory. They usually picked such bad movies it would be hard to find them in ordinary video rental places anymore, I imagine.
Jun. 5th, 2003 10:28 am (UTC)
The Brain That Wouldn't Die!

That also happened to be Mike's first episode after replacing Joel, who escaped from the Satellite of Love after viewing Mitchell. I don't blame him ;)

My favorite was Hercules and the Captive Women (not yet available on DVD):

"The lepers are revolting!"
"Boy, I'll say."
Jun. 3rd, 2003 02:35 pm (UTC)
MST3K totally rocked. My daughter got a couple of tapes from a friend and we watched'em over the weekend!

I loved your lines!
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( 32 comments — Leave a comment )