The Very Secret Diary of Samwise Gamgee, part 2
Having lovely time camping in Emyn Muil and spooning under stars with Mr. Frodo. Though spooning was cut short last night when he elbowed me in stomach during nightmare.
Also he keeps yelling "Gandalf" in his sleep. Suspected poncy wizard was pervy hobbit fancier, but in my young innocence didn't think he'd actually try anything. Must have been wrong.
Suppose it's too late to kill him.
Nasty Gollum creature following us. Mr. Frodo whispered in my ear that we should catch him tonight by pretending to be asleep and vulnerable.
I said two hobbits making out would look rather vulnerable as well, but he did not seem to hear me. Ring has been distracting him a lot lately. Curse its evil ways.
Caught Gollum. Is v. noisy and smells too. But when he tried to strangle me Mr. Frodo jumped on us and threatened him with Sting. V. exciting! Humble young hobbit could not ask for master who is more loyal, courageous, dashing, or cuddly.
But also slightly nutters as he wants to keep Gollum with us. Don't like this idea one bit, no sir.
Gollum has led us into endless bog. Drenched poor Mr. Frodo in a nasty pond. Think he just wanted to get Mr. Frodo's shirt all wet and see-through, as clearly has crush on him. Luckily Mr. Frodo wears mithril vest underneath, so Gollum didn't get to see nipples like I did in Rivendell.
Not that I was looking.
Wonder if Ring is starting to get to me as well. Watching Mr. Frodo play with it while lying in bed makes me strangely warm and tingly.
But then I feel that way when he plays with Sting, too, so I guess it's all right.
It means someone really cares when they snarl at you and tell you you know nothing...right?
Gollum flung dead rabbits into Mr. Frodo's lap. Am v. annoyed. Not only because everyone else should stay away from Mr. Frodo's lap, but am angry with self for not thinking of romantic homemade rabbit dinner idea.
Gollum told me I look fat in this outfit. Not much I can do about that as it's my only outfit. Have started doing leg lifts when others aren't looking. Heard building muscle tone is healthiest way to slim down.
Drat. Captured by wimpy brother of Boromir and not-so-wimpy men with arrows. Seething with anger to think what they must have done to Mr. Frodo while I was blindfolded. Heard him shouting something about spas. Wondered if this meant he wants me to give him bubble bath in forbidden pool.
Hmf. Just asked around. Turns out anyone entering pool gets shot. Stupid rule.
Would kill them all but am slightly outnumbered.
Still stuck in sinister cave hideout. Told Mr. Frodo to forget his loyalest and specialest servant, and put on Ring and escape. He refused; perhaps he enjoys footrubs too much? Was about to kiss him out of extreme loyalty but Faramir came in and started trying to get into Mr. Frodo's shirt. I told him right off; Mr. Frodo clearly not interested as tried to claw through walls rather than endure flirtation.
Didn't quite work as planned. Getting blindfolded again. No time at all for leg lifts with this kind of intrusion.
Mr. Frodo deeply affected by Ring. Tried to feed cracker to Nazgul by hand from top of tower in Osgiliath today, when everyone knows Nazgul should not be given people food, only their natural diet (i.e., blood of the innocent). Mr. Frodo got v. emotional when I stopped him. Roughhoused in the dirt a little bit. Feel closer to him than ever, which I suppose is natural after someone's put their knee on your throat.
Really must leave Osgiliath. As I told Mr. Frodo, "By rights we shouldn't even be here." Heard about ten million people yelling "Damn straight" after I said it. Do not know what that's about.
Faramir let us go; hooray! Also gave us lovely yummy pineapple drink which makes me bizarrely unable to feel ground.
Mr. Frodo v. affectionate when tipsy. Gave me new pet name today – called me brave and said he couldn't do without me and said he'd like to teach me Forbidden Dance of the Elves sometime. Could be Legolas or the slutty Lothlorien lady showed him this? Don't know, but sounds promising, v. promising.
Hope it wasn't just pineapple drink talking.