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MST: A descent into all-caps

trilliah found a piece of truly bad fanfiction (on Fanfiction.net; where else?) and begged us, her friends, to give it the Mystery Science Theater heckle treatment. I had a look, found that it was supposed to be a humor piece but could not be more painful, and readily accepted the MST offer. It may be somewhat mean-spirited of me, but, as you'll see, the original fic is quite mean-spirited too, which I figure justifies the smackdown.

Without further ado...
MST of a travesty, part 1
(Note: the original has been edited down somewhat, but rest assured that the spirit of the piece remains unchanged. Also, I advise against telling the original author that this little MST exists. Just let's keep it to ourselves, eh?)

Our commentators file in: mollyringle, trilliah, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. They take seats and nibble popcorn.

LemonLye: So, I hear this is supposed to be a comedy.
Pippin: I heard it was a Mary Sue.
Sam: Eck. I can't stand Mary Sues. Always sliming on the Elf or Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Well, let's not judge it until we see it.

HEY! THIS IS THE AUTHOR SPEAKING!

Everyone jumps, startled.

WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY SPEAKING, BUT YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN! SO, I'M NEW TO THIS, AND , WELL, THIS IS ACTUALLY MY 1ST STORY, SO, IF MY STORY SUCKS, WHICH I HOPE IT WON'T, DON'T BLAME ME!

Merry: No, naturally it wouldn't be YOUR fault.

O.K. IT ALL STARTED WHEN I WAS IN THE MOVIE THEARE, THEN SUDDENLY,JUST OUT OF NOWHERE, I GOT SUCKED INTO THE MOVIE! NOW, I HAVE NO CLUE HOW THIS HAD HAPPENED IN THE 1ST PLACE, BUT, IT WAS WEIRD! SO, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WENT ON, IN MIDDLE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!

Frodo: *sigh* All right. So it is a Mary Sue.
LemonLye: It's a bad sign that I've already lost count of the exclamation points.

Frodo: Huh?!? who the heck is that? Hmmm... let's see, can't be a hobit, too tall, an elf maybe?!?

Pippin: A hobit? Is that anything like a hobbit, do you suppose?
Merry: I think it's a homeless hobbit.

Sam: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! IT MOVED! SAVE ME Mr.FRODO! SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam: I beg your pardon. I'd say no such thing.
Frodo: Indeed. Sam, what have I told you about using excessive punctuation in front of strangers?

FRODOFAN1: UUUUHHHHH.......... SORRY TO BOTHER YOU GUYS, BUT, UH UH UH UH.......*smack my self*ow!

LemonLye: Harder.
Trilliah: A lot harder.
LemonLye: Please.

I'M FRODOFAN1, & LET'S JUST SAY, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! I MEAN I DON'T MIND! NO I DON'T MIND AT ALL...... ! BUT YOU SEE, THIS ALL HAPPENED WHEN I WAS IN THE MOVIE THEATRE...

4 Hobbits: WHAT THE HECK'S A "MOOVY THEETER"?!?!?!?!?!?*note goofy spelling, 4 hobbits don't know what the heck it is!*


Merry: Thank goodness for her expositional narrative. The humor really was much too subtle.

FRODOFAN1: A MOVIE THEATRE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU GO TO SEE MOVIES, YA KNOW, FILMS! ANY WAY, AS I WAS SAYING, I WAS JUST WATCHING "THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING" & I JUST GOT T-T-T-T-TRANSPORTED HERE! I'VE GOT NO CLUE HOW THE HECK ANY OF THIS CRAP HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!

LemonLye: I don't know about you, but I'd be using nicer language if I met a hobbit.
Frodo: Quite. I think "how the dickens any of this crap happened" would be much more polite.

MERRY: HEY PIPPIN, YA THINK SHE KNOWS ANY THING ABOUT US?

PIPPIN: DON'T KNOW!


Trilliah: Hey Pippin, ya think she knows how to turn off the caps lock?
Pippin: Don't think so!

FRODO: O.....K...... WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU, BUT, YOU SEE, WE REALLY HAVE TO GET TO RIVENDELL, & WELL YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PLACE TO GO, & WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE YA HERE, SO...

Sam: Yes we can.
Merry: We really could. Easily.

FRODOFAN1: OH PLEASE!, OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE!!! LET ME COME WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN DYING TO MEET YOU, FRODO!!! AND I'VE GOT TO GET TO KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU GOTTA LET ME COME!!!!! & FRODO, IF YOU LET ME COME, I PROMISE I'LL PROTECT YA W/ ALL I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( I'LL ALSO HELP YOU DESTROY THE "ONE RING"!!!!!!!!!!) SORRY SAM, THIS IS MY JOB NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!

Trilliah: Because, clearly, she'd be so useful on a life-threatening quest.
Sam: Could make the Ringwraiths' ears bleed, I reckon. That might come in handy.

SAM: HEY!!!! WHO SAID YOU COULD JUST BUTT IN, & TAKE MY PRIVILAGE OF PROTECTING MR. FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FRODO: BACK OFF SAM! IT'S O.K.! WHEN SHE'S TOO BUSY, YOU CAN TAKE HER PLACE!

SAM: WELL, I GUESS IT'S ALRIGHT. ( I'LL SHOW HER!)

FRODO: WELL, ALRIGHT! FRODOFAN1, WELCOME TO THE GANG! I THINK WE SHOULD GET GOING THEN!


Merry: My. That was awfully trusting of you, Frodo.
Frodo: I know. I didn't even trust Strider that quickly. And Gandalf gave me a poem about him and everything.
Sam: What do you suppose a poem about her would sound like?
Pippin: "There once was a chick who wrote fanfic / Her prose had the richness of Chapstick..."
LemonLye: Shhh.

Everyone:*walking in the direction of Rivendell*

FRODOFAN1:*following Frodo around everywhere he goes!!!!!! w/ a dopey, stupid looking face*


Trilliah: Careful. It'll stick that way.

Sam: Hey! FRODOFAN1! Leave Mr. Frodo alone!

FRODOFAN1: oh, shut up already! Ass wipe!!!

Sam: Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! don't you call me an ass wipe, or I'll....

FRODOFAN1: Or you'll what?! you can't even jump up high enough to reach my height!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could easily sit on you, but, I won't because Frodo would be really sad!!!!!!!!!!!!! But if he didn't give a crap, believe me, I'd do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sam: Is it unreasonable to ask what I ever did to her?
Merry: Yes. It would be much more reasonable just to stab her.
Trilliah: I'll do it. Gladly. I mean, if you're not in the mood.
Pippin: Speaking of which: where's Strider during all this? I mean, she says we're walking to Rivendell, and I distinctly remember it was Strider who took us there...
Frodo: Shh. Pippin, you're hampering the artist's freedom and questioning her integrity. For shame.

FRODOFAN1: (grrrrr.... Sam, I'll get you!)*pulls out portable c.d. player*

4 hobbits: What the heck is that thing?!?


LemonLye: And why the heck did you bring it to a movie theatre?

FRODOFAN1: What do you think it is? It's a c.d. player!

4 hobbits:*hear intense Rock music(Nickelback, CREED, you know.)* uhhhh... what is that, that sound?!?


Frodo: (disappointed) Oh. I was hoping for a little Stravinsky.
LemonLye: Dude! Is that Freedom Rock? Well, TURN IT UP, man!

FRODOFAN1: Rock music! What do you think?

Sam: *like an idiot, picks up a nearby rock, & puts it to his ear* I don't hear anything, maybe it's broken.

FRODOFAN1: Hello, are you brainless, or something?!? (oh yeah, he is! Big ass duh!)


Trilliah seizes Sting and vaults over the seats in pursuit of the author.
Merry: Where was Gondor, when bad fiction was allowed to run rampant? Where was Gondor, when Sam was getting slandered for no particular reason?...

* * *

OK. That's all I can take for now. In the nature of unbearable fiction, it goes on and on and ON, and the author is promising more chapters. Oy. Perhaps sometime I'll tackle another section.

Edit: I just read the author's profile. Apparently she is 12 (perhaps 13 or even 14 by now). Well, that explains a certain amount. Still, even my lame writing at age 12 was not THIS lame.