In fact, even if you don't remember #upstairs (because you were never there), but like to read genuinely funny logs of chat rooms and want to see me and my cohorts being smart-ass goofballs in 1999, this is worth a read. Had me in tears laughing.
ten_fifteen, all_timeqb, zenzucht, northy, raethe, atherisch, bluesound, killingwish, noyen, friends, and countrymen...I give you...
Screwing with some anonymous stoned Belgian's head, a one-act play.
-- The Cast --
Trillium = mollyringle
Willeh/J-woman/Bastard = northy
mome-rath = tigger, who has an LJ but I can't remember the handle
rimbaud = all_timeqb
dasein = zenzucht
doormouse = Kristen, who doesn't have an LJ as far as I know
The "God" we refer to, who is away ripping up his kitchen floor or something = raethe
J-man = some incoherent Belgian
-- The Scene --
\Feb. 24, '99
*** J-man (email@example.com) has joined #upstairs
*** Willeh is now known as J-woman
J-woman: mek sweet lub to meh
Trillium: could it be...Jack?
J-woman: could be
J-woman: probably is
J-woman: too busy zipping up
J-woman: to type
J-man: Is this an English channel?
*** J-woman is now known as Bastard
Trillium: (sorry...the unintentional use of the phrase "English Channel"
Trillium: ("No, this would be Hudson Bay...sorry.")
mome-rath: Eubonics. And you daren't disparage our lovely, litlting
language of the hoods. Mother fucker.
J-man: sorry masterV
Bastard: (did they really need the extra !!! on the end of that, Jack?)
Bastard: i dont think so
Bastard: pointless, really
Bastard: so how have you been, Jack?
Bastard: whats new?
Bastard: hows mom?
Bastard: your dad still looking for work?
mome-rath: Get that gat, cat, for it's a rainy day and the children despair
to play on your capped ass. All the props, 100 bulls in number, shall you
receive to us, your man, you punk ass bitch. Or the heavens shall rain down
whoop ex machina and up into your ass. yo.
Bastard: (were the 3 ??? really nessisary, Jack?)
Bastard: and... how did you know that question was directed at you, jack?
Trillium: most people who *weren't* jack wouldn't have responded in quite
that way. It is true.
Bastard: i could have been speaking to someone else here named jack
Bastard: silly wank monkey
mome-rath: Cheeky monkey! Cheeky monkey! Jack's a cheeky monkey!
Trillium: most people who pretend to be someone else when they're obviously
the same person who has been visiting us for a while, overreact just a bit
in their attempt to pretend they've never heard of themselves.
Trillium: "jack??? who's this jack?!?!? I'm not a' jack'!!?"
rimbaud: jack....where have you been lately? busy watching leonardo
Trillium: "never heard of him! heh! really! hah!"
Bastard: oooo steve perry!
Bastard: they are playing our song!
Bastard: dance wiff meh
Trillium: what song is that, willeh
Bastard: 'oh sherrie'
Bastard: what do you mean what song?
Bastard: what the hell is wrong with you?
rimbaud: oh...solo steve
Trillium: oh of course.
J-man: grandma' car
Bastard: camel bum
Trillium: okay, that's a new response.
rimbaud: daddeh's hands
Trillium: molleh's index tabs
J-man: i am talking with God himself
Trillium: and he asked about your grandma's car?
Bastard: actually no
Bastard: he is off fighting with his kitchen
Trillium: God needs to get his priorities straight...people are dying in
J-man: he don't laugh with my right hand
rimbaud: heh...god is concerned about the teflon skillet his rumored
parents buggered up this morning
Trillium: yes, anyway, we happen to know God's current whereabouts
Trillium: and the chances that's he on a cell phone with thee while tearing
up his kitchen floor is so unlikely
J-man: he is teaching french to his friends
Trillium: oh, no, no.
Trillium: God would never teach French.
Trillium: You must be thinking of someone else.
rimbaud: God loathes the French
rimbaud: with passion
Trillium: just an archangel, maybe. One who needs a hobby.
J-man: that's a tipical answer from a moslim
* Trillium adjusts the veil over her face and looks haughty.
Trillium: Just because I'm a moslim doesn't mean I'm less of a woman.
Trillium: (Oh wait...in a way, it does...)
* rimbaud is a towelhead too :)
Bastard: você faz meus socks yern para o queijo
rimbaud: de donde es los zapatos, bastard?
J-man: ik versta je niet eikel
rimbaud: God est der fuhrer!
Trillium: Ma vergogna! Tutti, tutti, lasciate! Andate via, prego, prego!
Bastard: estoy rellenando los zapatos encima de mi asno, mientras que
Trillium: mamma mia.
rimbaud: ay de mi, bastard...ay de mi
Trillium: claro que si.
Trillium: (Where IS God when you need some Latin in the mix...)
J-man: in the dishwasher
rimbaud: God does know his Latin
Trillium: he's getting warmer...
J-man: GOD IS MY BROTHER
Bastard: Hitler ist mein Freund, er haßt
flockige kleine fremde Leute
Trillium: what does that say? Hitler is my friend and..?
* rimbaud doesn't recall God speaking of Belgian relatives
J-man: FASCISM IS A CRIME
* Trillium thinks God would slash His wrists before admitting to Belgian
Bastard: CHEESE WHIZ RULES!
J-man: fuck off
Bastard: oh my
rimbaud: now now
rimbaud: such language
Bastard: no kidding
rimbaud: you shouldn't speak to God's disciples like that
J-man: GOD IS MY BROTHER
Trillium: No judgement call from me re. belgians...just reporting what God
Trillium: I'm telling you, I'm almost sure you're thinking of someone else.
Bastard: OPRAH IS GOD!
rimbaud: must be a local Belgian God
Bastard: SPORK SHOULD BE PART OF THE 4 FOOD GROUPS!
Trillium: maybe so... hmm.
rimbaud: a false prophet
Trillium: This subject really seems to upset Jack.
Trillium: But I only say that based on the 49 capital O's.
J-man: my whole existance is dissapearing
* rimbaud makes a note...."deep rooted fear of oprah winfrey"
Bastard: next time, dont wash it with the darks
Bastard: and use less bleach
rimbaud: she scares all of us, jack
Trillium: I'm flattered that you have so much faith in what we say.
rimbaud: don't be alarmed
Bastard: just be belgian
Trillium: maybe he's just trying to out-manic-depressive us.
Bastard: good luck
J-man: lol lol lol:)
Trillium: yeah, we've got numbers on our side.
Bastard: go sell your crazy someplace else, we're full up
Trillium: But I see we've swung to "manic."...from "my existence is
disappearing" to "lol"
* Trillium sighs and prepares the syringe
J-man: sorry 'am a german!!
Bastard: me next
Bastard: go fuck a goat, hitler
J-man: i'm just kiding
Bastard: im not
Bastard: goats are smooth rides
Bastard: a little bumpy at first
rimbaud: not quite as smooth as sheep
Bastard: but once you get into....
J-man: who is making the noise the whole time??
Trillium: those are just the people who live in your head, J. don't worry
rimbaud: the goats don't make that "baaaa" sound
rimbaud: i find that so sexy
Bastard: yo hit the teet right on the head
J-man: rape me rape me my friend
Bastard: oh boy
Trillium: aww...thought you'd never ask
Bastard: you grab a leg molleh, rim, you get the other one
* rimbaud lunges for jack's leg
* Bastard makes a fist
Bastard: now, this may hurt a little
J-man: and me??
Bastard: but trust me
Bastard: i've done this before
Trillium: you just close your eyes and think of Belgium, kiddo
Bastard: nurse... gloves please
J-man: is that your penis or your nose???
rimbaud: oh! this is my favorite part
Bastard: you cant leave in the middle of a ritualistic fisting!
rimbaud: never you mind that
rimbaud: i shall stay
Trillium: that's for the rapist to know and you to find out
Bastard: what if I told you it was both, jack
Trillium: (but you know...is it raping when he asked?)
Bastard: a penis and a nose
rimbaud: a nosy penis
Bastard: he wont like it a bit
J-man: it is not JAck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trillium: doesn't matter; you're here and you'll do
rimbaud: righ...it's Jack
Bastard: hold still
rimbaud: small a :)
Trillium: too excited to keep his eyes focused, I see...
Bastard: i thought you were the 14 year old that wanted to hump leo
Bastard: wasnt that you?
J-man: you guys are really funny
Bastard: we do our best to keep you entertained
Trillium: *blush* nahh...it's you that's funny.
J-man: I like GOD
Trillium: but God isn't here right now
Bastard: i like NOODLES
Bastard: SPICY NOODLES
J-man: HE IS ERVERYWHERE
Bastard: OH YEAHHHHHAHAHAHH
Bastard: no he isnt
Bastard: if he was in my pants right now, i would know it
Bastard: trust me
Trillium: oh, you'd know all right
J-man: BUT HE IS
Bastard: no he isnt
Bastard: dammit jack
Bastard: he just isnt
Bastard: he cant be
J-man: i'am the nazi here
Bastard: i mean really
Bastard: how can he possibly be everywhere
* Trillium makes her laughter look like coughing.
Bastard: every easter he runs around giving kids eggs and treats
Bastard: he cant be everywhere
Bastard: he is a busy guy
Bastard: planting trees
rimbaud: God is Everywhere?? no no....that's ELVIS dear boy
rimbaud: haven't you heard the song?
Bastard: keeping up his dads carpentry business
Bastard: taking his mother to the OBGYN
J-man: hey are you american, no??
rimbaud: he wishes
Bastard: im from the palestines, originaly
Bastard: now i live in a small village in guam
dasein: im a phillistine.
* dasein raises his middle finger and tells the rom to fuck off.
dasein: ROOM DAMMIT.
J-man: moslim against the wall please
J-man: look to the bird
*** Retrieving #upstairs info...
Bastard: be the ball?
Bastard: oh jack
Bastard: thats just not nice
dasein: wtf is J-Man?
dasein: and why is he soiling our room?
Trillium: We try only to let God do genocides in here...
Bastard: especially coming from a 3rd world fuzzball like yourself
dasein: don't let him pee on the carpet.
Bastard: he already did
J-man: I' am a nazi and god is my brother
Bastard: he is also leo dicaprio
Bastard: and a virgo
Trillium: No, Leo is their houseboy...
Bastard: he likes raquetball and long walks on the beach
Bastard: gentle kisses and sunsets
Bastard: and hitler youth rallies
Trillium: no smokers/drinkers/moslims, please
J-man: Trillium? is dasein the one you wanted to get lost??
dasein: you knwo it
Bastard: SWM with crazy nazi fetish seeks monkey like creature to groom him
and spank his bottom, no moslims please
Trillium: when did I tell anyone to get lost?
Trillium: well, in any case, no...dasein is one of my most favorite lovin'
J-man: go on
Trillium: go on? what...with intimate DETAILS?
J-man: knwo do you stutter
Bastard: knwo do you stutter...
Bastard: i really need to get out more often
J-man: aha, next to leo
J-man: in grandma's car
Trillium: the story comes together...
J-man: why do i gotn't a @ before my name??? is it the troops???
Bastard: its because you are a strange little man, jack
* Trillium would give just oodles to know what outside chemical is running
through J's veins right now
Bastard: is there a pulp mill close to your home, jack?
*** doormouse (blah@Port5.WhiteRabbit.cc.oxy.edu) has joined #upstairs
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o doormouse
Bastard: perhaps an asbestos dump?
J-man: i'm not small, i'm not jack, i'm not strang i'm N A Z I
Bastard: well then
Bastard: he is a large not jack not strang NAZI
Trillium: "but I AM on drugs"
Bastard: well yes
Bastard: he didnt deny that
J-man: me too
Bastard: did you jack?
J-man: jock for friends
J-man: and grandma's
J-man: and moslims
Trillium: jock for friends...the new fragrance from Calvin Klein
Bastard: jock for grandmas
dasein: molleh yo uare unbelievably funny sometimes.
dasein: well most of the time.
Trillium: the trouble is not busting up at work here.
Bastard: jack... i dont follow you here
Bastard: tell me your story about grandma and jocks and moslims
Trillium: he wants us to call him Jock, you guys. who are we to argue?
Bastard: your grandma wears a jock and slaps moslims?
J-man: i was walking down the street
Bastard: go on
J-man: and my grandma was sick
J-man: and she asked me do u have some dope
J-man: but at that time a plain was passing
Bastard: damn plains
J-man: and a red car suddenly stoped
Bastard: always creeping up on people
J-man: and it was my brother
J-man: get it
Bastard: you bet!
Bastard: it makes all sorts of sense now!
Trillium: and your brother is god because he gave dope to your grandma?
Bastard: you are FUCKED in THE HELMET!
J-man: friends for life
Trillium: in her car? which he was driving?
J-man: no the plain
Bastard: heres what you need to do, jack
Trillium: and the plains were flying by
Bastard: go get a big bag of dope
Bastard: call your grandma
Bastard: then get your brother to pick you up
Trillium: You know...I'm thinking dope entered the story before all this
began to happen.
Bastard: and go to your grandmas house
Bastard: load up a big bong
Bastard: smoke yourself silly
J-man: in a plain???
Bastard: in a plain
Trillium: well, as long as you don't set the dry grass on fire.
Bastard: of course, and watch out for the deer and the antelope
Trillium: and don't let any buffalo say any discouraging words, now, you
Bastard: oh now THAT was dry
Bastard: molleh how could you?
J-man: ah my brother is here
Trillium: (silly us. that's not a plain. it's a RANGE. home on the RANGE.)
Bastard: tell your brother I said 'hi'
Trillium: you look out for those flying plains, Jocky
Bastard: and to put his jock away
J-man: hi to the silly moslims too
Bastard: no one really needs to see that
Trillium: may Allah bless you and your camel, son.
J-man: no he is jack
Trillium: oh, it's Jack's evil twin
Bastard: jack and jock
Bastard: uh oh
Bastard: sounds like a set up for murder to me, jack
Trillium: it allll makes sense now.
J-man: GOD AND NAZI a killing combination
Bastard: jesus, how could we be so silly
Trillium: maybe he does know cat...hmm...
Bastard: you have some issues you need resolved, jack
Bastard: im going to recommend my therapist to you, kay?
J-man: a or o
J-man: is he moslim to?
Bastard: her name is glock,
Trillium: he's republican actually
J-man: her is she pretty
Bastard: her is she very pretty
J-man: what's her grandma's name
Trillium: oh, the therapist, never mind...
J-man: maybe she is a friend
doormouse: you need to stop pimpin grandma's
Bastard: wow... wouldnt that be strange, huh?
Bastard: if my therapists grandma knew your grandma
Bastard: wouldnt that be cool, Jack?
Bastard: wouldnt it?
Bastard: i mean
J-man: do u want to meet my dog also
Bastard: i mean
Bastard: he doesnt hump legs or anything, does he?
Bastard: nevermind then
J-man: he sucks my peewee if i ask friendly
Bastard: i thought you said you werent small....
Bastard: jesus jack
J-man: his name is fred
Bastard: your peewee, or the dog?
J-man: he is as big as a horse
J-man: the plain
Bastard: (same question... see above)
Bastard: you make me tired, jack
J-man: u want me to stop
J-man: do u?
J-man: fred says hi
Bastard: have you always been this incoherant?
Bastard: i'm starting to understand what sometimes goes wrong with these
international peace talks...
Bastard: oh ruck foo, i missed one filthy vowel
Bastard: stupid, jack... it means stupid
J-man: sorry it was my dog who typed it
J-man: the other @
Bastard: in my pants
*** Bastard sets mode: +b *!*@*.antw.online.be
J-man: u are really sick
Bastard: no im bored
*** J-man was kicked by Bastard (tell grandma I said 'hi')
-- Curtain --
If, on the other hand, you just want poetry about serious LOTR smut, I encourage you to check out ten_fifteen's contribution to my last entry here. :D